Dispatches from Dotland

To quote from Non Sequitur, Arizona Daily Star, November 29, 2006
"I don't get it. After all the budget cuts to streamline the workforce, why aren't we moving faster?" (picture of a large boat with committee on the upper deck and 1 lone rower in the galley)

Due to completely forseen circumstances, your faithful correspondent has been completely unfaithful and has been spending lots of time playing and eating instead of paying attention to business and Dotland. And your faithful correspondent had better shape up and quit eating before she has to be rolled out the door!

Correction:
In our last dispatch, we discussed the presentation to the peasants by a CLAPTRAP (Curriculum, Learning And Professional Teaching Refused And Postposed) representative. That was their old name. That department is now known as PL, Preventing Learning. The full name is Preventing Learning At All Costs or PLAAC, pronounced with a hawking sound in the back of the throat and followed by spitting and making the sign to ward off the evil eye. In either incarnation, PLAAC is feared by all. Even the normally poised Diva is known to look harassed and mutter when the name is spoken. Indigo Dot and some artists from Studioland hatched a plot to teach teachers how to use art to teach mathematics and science and history. Indigo tried to get this approved by PLAAC. Indigo has been unwilling to discuss the experience and will probably need long term counseling to recover. Currently the Diva has put on extra armor and is planning to storm PLAAC soon.

Silver overheard the following exchange in the PLAAC office:
Teacher "I taught a course this summer and I'm here to collect the PL credit. "
PLAAC "Did you file forms A and B."
Teacher "Yes, I filed forms A, B, C, D, and E."
PLAAC "All you have to do now is bring me form C."
Teacher "I already filed form C." (Denial)
PLAAC " You have to bring me form C."
Teacher "I gave you form C already."
PLAAC "You have to bring me form C."
Teacher with gritted teeth "I filed form C with forms A and B already." (Anger)
PLAAC "You have to bring me form C."
Teacher "Do you mean you want me to fill out a new form C."
PLAAC "No, you have to turn in the form C that goes with your form A and B."
Teacher "I don't have that form C. I gave it to you."
PLAAC "You have to bring me form C."
Teacher "Can you make a copy of the form C I already turned in so that I can give it to you?" (Bargaining)
PLAAC "No, you have to bring me form C."
Teacher "Can I see the form C I turned in?" (More bargaining)
PLAAC " No, you have to bring me form C."
Teacher "What am I going to do? I don't have form C because I gave it to you. I promised my wife I would get this credit so I would get a step increase so we can afford the surgery for my mother. Now everyone will be mad at me." (Depression)
PLAAC "You have to bring me form C."
After several more equally hopeless rounds the teacher gave up and walked away. (Acceptance)
Silver looked to see if she could tell where the PLAAC robot was plugged in but was unable to locate the wires. Maybe it's a wireless robot like a Roomba. At least the Roomba vacs the floor!

New IDEAS

The peasants gathered today with the new IDEA to meet all of the new peasants. There is now a peasant for every village. (We hope that works out better than a chicken for every pot.) Blue, Sage, turquoise, and Silver were all present and learned a lot of new things. The Duchy will no longer have a fixed number of peasants. If there are more students, the Duchy will find more peasants. (Silver rolled her eyes.) They found out why the the high school libraries got no deseg funds this year. "We didn't know who to ask about the deseg funds." (Silver ground her teeth and muttered "That's because the Black Dot Queen fired everyone who knew anything.") They found out about extra money for next year's magazine order. The White Queen has money for next year's magazine order that will be dispensed either (Option A) according to the size of the schools, which will be unfair to tiny schools or (Option B) some other way that won't be unfair to tiny schools but will probably be unfair to large schools. The IDEA will ask the Black Dot Queen to choose Option A or Option B. This correspondent predicts that her Blackness will pick Option C, invest the money in an account while she makes the decision. The account will of course have a service charge so that by the time the Queen picks either A the B, the money will all be gone (or the magazines gone out of business.) The meeting also had a representative from Curriculum, Learning, And Professional Teaching Refused And Postponed (CLAPTRAP) who talked about training. The CLAPTRAP representative said that the Duchy considered customer services VERY IMPORTANT. (Silver ground her teeth VERY LOUDLY and her neighbor swatted her.) The new IDEA and the Dots prefer the "drive-by" training they have always done. CLAPTRAP prefers that we have long engagements with their professional torturers to drive-by encounters with the Dots. The Dots, they say, don't do sufficient followup. (Silver muttered, "You mean they don't want to throw themselves out the window after we're done with them.")
Silver and Sage also got to talk about their friend Marc. Some of the peasants already hang out with Marc but some of the other are not sure Marc is friendly. The new IDEA and Sage and Silver believe that Marc can help us eliminate funkiness. The new IDEA said "There will be no more of that old funkiness. From now on, we will have new and improved funky." Silver and Sage both agreed strongly.

All quiet on the Dotland Front

Things are very, very quiet in Dotland. Purple is on the sea. Pink is out in a village. Navy is with the buses. Gold is gone (sigh). Without Navy there just isn't as much music although Sage boosts our spirits by dancing. Is the quiet because everyone is waiting for the Black Queen to drop the next shoe? How many shoes does the Black Queen have? Probably fewer pairs of shoes than Silver. But the real question is how many shoes can the Black Queen wear at one time? Is it 2... or is it 8? (Now you're just being catty. It's back in the box for you!)

Hawaii (for Purple)

For Purple (with apologies to Arlo Guthrie)
Coming into Hilo from over the sea
Sailing in a big sea liner
Flowers flyin' everywhere around the ship
Could you ever feel much finer?

Coming into port for the day,
wearing a lokilani lei,
Don't touch that bag till I say,
Mister Purser Man

Annals of interior decorating

This was Dotland before the Black Dot Queen redecorated. The pleasing paint colors, the functional and welcoming front door, the comfortable interior were all left from the Diva's previous redecoration. Of course, the Black Dot Queen wanted to put her own STAMP (spoken firmly with a sharp stomping movement of the right foot) on Dotland.
The Black Dot Queen has a unique decorating style, sometimes described with words such as "broken", "disfunctional" and "catastophic". She calls the style "rightsizing". Dotland after the Black Dot Queen's attentions is shown below. This is a variant of rightsizing normally referred to as "capsizing" or sometimes "dumbsizing". The caution tape adds a nice touch. While the Queen was able to "redecorate" Dotland, she had only limited success in redecorating the Dots. She was able to eliminate Pink and Navy from the color palatte but Silver broke out in Fuschia and the Dots bring in Indigo and Cornflower to round out their original color palatte. Note the lack of an entrance. The Black Dot Queen hoped that eliminating an entrance into Dotland will make it easier for her to close it completely. However, with typical dotgenuity, the Dots and their friends manage to carry on.

Mysterious explosion rocks SNEAC

The normally quiet SNEAC building was jarred today by a series of explosions coming from Dotland. Despite initial reports of casualties and massive damage, Dotland and the rest of the SNEAC building appear to be intact. Survivors were initially dazed and confused. "I just ducked and ran for cover" reported one Dot. Investigators tracing the source of the explosions were able to determine that the new IDEA had exploded all over the Diva. The Dots were initially puzzled by the eruption. However, after discussion, the Dots concluded that the Black Queen has been stuffing the new IDEA with radioactive toxic waste about the Diva, turning the new IDEA into a ticking time bomb. After the Black Queen's preparation, it took only a simple word from the Diva to trigger the detonation. The Dots are trying to determine whether it will be necessary to call the Hazardous Waste Department to decontaminate the area. The Diva was seen leaving the building shortly after the outburst, looking shaken but unhurt. The IDEA was seen at the daily potluck looking somewhat deflated but otherwise normal. Since there is no discernible debris field, the Dots are hoping that tomorrow will bring a return to normalcy for Dotland.

Fate or Doom and do we care?

Silver was back today looking somewhat tired and bedraggled. "Bad night?" asked Purple. "I caught Fuschia trying to turn my cat into a needlepoint wallhanging. Said she was practicing to turn the Black Queen into a footstool.. Or may it was a toadstool..* Anyway I had to throw her out. And she left such a mess, glitter and pink feathers all over everything!"
Later Silver and Sage went to a meeting with the new IDEA, the Lime Green Knight, and some librarians. GoG was also there which precluded festivities like burning GoG in effigy. The purpose was to discuss Destiny, which Fuschia calls Fate, but Silver sometimes thinks should be called Doom. Silver was dubious about whether the Duchy was really prepared to deal with Doom. She was worried about the ability of the Duchy's many older pigeons to carry all the messages Doom would require. The Lime Green Knight assured everyone that the Duchy's pigeons were in fine form, ready to triumph in the Senior Pigeon Olympics, and more than adequate to the task of dealing with Doom. Fuschia, who had crept back and was hiding in a corner, eavesdropping, muttered "I think the Lime Green Knight has been drinking too much Lime Green Limacol**." The meeting concluded with a lively discussion of censorship and sex among vampires, werewolves, and wererats. (Bet you wish you'd signed up for THAT committee now!!)
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* Pink sign seen in the Blue Willow parking lot.
Princess Parking
All others will be Toad.
Silver thinks it's her personal parking spot.
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**Limacol is a lime green refreshing hair tonic, mouthwash, deodorant and beverage once very popular in Jamaica, mon.