We're baaaack!

Due to a series of unfortunate events, Agitated Dots has been offline for over a month. Oh, the horror! But now we're back and reporting for duty. To bring things up to date...
The Duchy reported to the School Bored that the Duchy is 9.5 million in the hole due to the teachers additional 1% raise. The Bored wanted to know how that could be when the final settlement with the teachers had been only 450,000 over the "balanced budget" figure. They wanted to know whether the Duke had lied about the balanced budget earlier or was lying about the 9.5 mil now. The Duke replied that while it had been a balanced budget, it wasn't a "healthy" balanced budget. Since that time, the 9.5 mil has morphed to 13 mil.
Duke Phfffr has apparently pulled out the Sword of Right-sizing again and proposed closing interscholastics, Camp Cooper, the Clothing Bank, Educational Materials Center, Dotland and elementary libraries. Oh, and he also gave up one part time dungeon attendant at the Castle and now they all have to take out their own little trash baskets. Imagine that, the castle inhabitants carrying trash in their own lily white little hands, rather than just constantly spewing it out over the e-mail. Oh, did I say that out loud?
At the Bored meeting, everyone immediately jumped on interscholastics, so it won't be closed. Everything else is up for grabs still. There was an outcry from parents and principals about cutting support for libraries. The Black Queen immediately got all huffy and reminded everyone that there are no plans to close elementary libraries....until next year. In the first cut from the Sword of Right-sizing, Purple has been reassigned to TS. Who will be next?

Anonymous said...
Ohh! It is so good to see you back. Of course these cuts are not till next year, but a hiring freeze seems to be on this year. It seems expected that the peasants can run the village library in a superhuman way. Perhaps half a duke could do?

I love the idea of a half-Duke. Is that a Bright Idea or what?!

Embarrassment

The Librarians and Peasants of the Duchy are all being asked to sign the board policy on e-mail and a miscellaneous sheet on listservs. The board policy states, among other things, that we won't embarrass the Duchy in e-mail. Actualy, they are being asked to sign a printout of board policy EJC. Board policy EJA says All **** employees who use technology must sign and abide by the district’s Acceptable Use Agreement(s) indicating their knowledge of and agreement to terms and conditions of use of district technology resources... A printout of a policy is not an Agreement. An Agreement is a form that says somewhere I agree to.... and has a place for a signature. One of the conditions of Policy EJC is that we must not embarrass the Duchy in e-mail. Well, it's embarrassing that the Duchy can't manage to create an Acceptable Use Agreement and has to resort to having us sign a printout of the policy. It's embarrassing that the budget cutting spreadsheet Duke Phffffr showed the Bored last Tuesday was amateurish, badly formatted, badly organized, AND the numbers were wrong, AND Duke Phfffr knew the numbers were wrong and had to keep apologizing. Then to further embarrass us, the Duchy has been spreading rumors that neighboring Duchies don't have Certified Librarians. One of the neighboring Duchies that is very proud that they have all Certified Librarians is now insulted. Their Duke is thinking of sending his seconds to call on our Duke and demand satisfaction. Our Duchy will be featured in an upcoming movie "Burr" about the famous Aaron Burr / Alexander Hamilton duel. Perhaps before then we will see Duke Phfffr in a real duel over slandering other Duchies!
Now that's embarrassing!

As the stomach turns

Dotland is developing ulcers attempting to digest the pronouncements coming out of the Castle. The Duchy's front portal is lauding the contribution made to schools by Office Professionals. Because of value of that contribution they are combining the office manager with the attendance clerk at 8 schools? There is a suspicious trend to the budget cuts. ALL of the proposed budget cuts seem to be oriented toward keeping everyone in a school isolated from each other and the outside world. No field trips, no site council budget, no travel, no subs for teacher collaboration, no elementary librarians, no central library support department whose job has been breaking down the isolation of a single school, no central library. And to crown it all, the district is attempting to set us at each others throats over the teacher raises. Divide and Conquer - long a favorite tactic of tyrants!
A rather disturbing idea came up recently. Someone speculated that some elementaries would choose to allocate their budget to continue to have a librarian. They were told that the school might not be given that choice. So is the Duchy management just attempting to completely squelch any real site-based management and make sure the Castle can continue to run everything unopposed?

Duchy Dogma

In these very troubled times, we must examine the basics of Duchy faith. For example, the Doctrine of Non-Transubstantiation asserts that Capital Funds can be spent lavishly on anything but can NEVER undergo transubstantiation to Maintenance and Operations (M&O) Funds. The Black Queen is adamant on Non-Transubstantiation. She asserts that Transubstantiation can never occur. Other school funding theologians assert that Transubstantiation can and does occur. The Higher Authority (The School Facilities Board) also says that Transubstatiation of Capital Funds to M&O funds cannot occur but...the Duchy gets to decide whether to put the money in M&O or in Capital in the first place. After that it can't undergo transubstantiation. (Doesn't this mean that Duke Phfffr can decide to use money that could go to teachers raises to buy nifty ed tech software toys and a new library system, as long as he makes that decision in advance when the budget is being made up? Is it possible that the Duchy decided last budget year to screw the libraries over, eliminate Dotland, and blame the teachers? Let's see. Did they already try to close down Dotland last year? Well, yes. Hmmmmmm.)
The Black Queen is also a strong advocate of the Doctrine of the Immaculate Instruction which governs how training is supposed to take place in the Duchy. A cadre of librarians (Wait, they are eliminating librarians.) OK, a cadre of "Classified Librarians" (otherwise known as Grade 4 Library Assistants or Peasants) will be assembled. After much prayer and contemplation, the Doctrine of Immaculate Instruction asserts that the Cadre will "receive" Divine Instruction and will then be qualified to initiate others into the Mysteries of the Infinite Time of Destiny. The Higher Authority (Destiny Tech Support) asserts that they won't answer calls for help from libraries that received their training via Immaculate Instruction. Hmmmm.
Do we need a reformer to nail an edict to the Castle door?

Comments:
Or perhaps the Duchy could go to a more eastern philosophy -- zen instruction. The peasants -er- Classified Librarians would assume the lotus position, fingers forming the traditional infinite circles, and chant, all the while attempting to become one with Destiny. Ooooommmmmmm. Ooooommmmm. Hmmmmm.
Purple

Time Traveling

There was some very interesting information revealed this afternoon. Apparently it wasn't the teacher raises that broke the budget, it was the Duke's imprudent spending on new robes for his friends. Let us know close our eyes and imagine ourselves back in the Castle where the Black Queen, the Duke and other a**heads are relaxing and eating grapes while the slaves fan them. The Black Queen paces. "I am so fed up with those Dots! They check everything I say. They keep the village libraries functioning now matter how many obstacles I put in their way. Furthermore they teach others to search for truth. Mark my words, no good will come of THAT! Every time I try to get rid of them, they prove that they save money. Will no one rid me of these inconvenient peasants?" "Hmmmm", muses the Duke, " We are intelligent people. We should be able to come up with something." A minor functionary comes into the room. "Your Majesty, it's almost time to begin the Teacher Contract Negotiations." "I'll be along shortly" responds the Duke and then looks very thoughtful. "Give me a few minutes first." He and the Black Queen put their heads together and whisper intently in the corner. As they break up, the Duke says "Remember, we've got to make this look good. Make a list of everyone you can think of who will need new robes between now and say ...August."
Fast forward a few months. A couple of weary negotiators sit in the TEA shoppe, over cups of TEA, of course. "I can't understand it. We've been very reasonable and the Duke won't even return our calls." "I know", says the other, "I don't remember the Duchy ever being this stubborn about negotiations. I just don't know what to do." Back in the Castle, the Duke receives a phone call from a Bored member. "How are the negotiations coming?" "No progress at all" responds the Duke cheerily. "But there is only a $450,000 difference between the offers. I know we can afford that. Can't we settle this?" "No, no" responds the Duke, "completely out of the question. We just need to wait a little longer. Something will break loose." Now fast forward to the day of the Blue Flu. The phone rings constantly in the Castle with complaints from irate parents. The Duke and the Black Queen bustle around busily and trade smirks when no one is watching. The Duke summons the Bored and his advisers.
"This is terrible." he says "We have to capitulate to their demands. The people have spoken. This will bankrupt the Duchy but we have no choice." "It's only $450,000" responds a Bored member, "It won't bankrupt us." "Oh, it will, it will" says the Duke, attempting to keep a straight face. "We'll just have to make really deep cuts to make up for it. I'll get the Sword of Right-Sizing sharpened immediately." "You did that months ago, Your Majesty", pipes up a staffer. "You're mistaken!" barks the Duke, "Leave immediately. In fact, you'd all better leave. I need a moment to compose myself for revealing this to the press." As the door closes behind the Bored, the Black Queen and the Duke began to dance, singing "Ding dong, Dotland is dead!"

As the Duchy Turns

Terror once again stalks the Duchy halls. The Black Queen squats, brooding, in the corner of the Bored room. The people speak. The Reverend Dr. Lord Joel rolls his eyes and tries to pretend he is somewhere else. Miz Judy the Schoolmarm and the young Senor listen and nod. La Chica might be listening...who can tell? The Bruce rests his chin in his hands and daydreams. When a village chief speaks in support of Dotland and the Duchy libraries, Duke Pfffr looks astonished, possibly thinking, "I've never heard this! Why wasn't I told that libraries are important?" The Black Queen closes her eyes and leans against the wall. She's heard it all before and prefer not to hear it again. When Duke Pfffr says Dotland must be eliminated, La Chica objects. (She WAS listening!) Duke Pfffr repeats strangely familiar words "We can't keep doing things they way we always have." Wait, this is what the Black Queen said to the Dots two years ago. How is this possible? I look to the Black Queen. She's good, her lips aren't even moving! No wonder Duke Pfffr looks astonished with the Black Queen's hand far enough up his butt to make it look like he's doing the talking. Maybe she has a remote control box. The Black Queen then speaks in support of Dotland. "Everything is automated now. The jobs done by the Dots no longer need to be done. The librarians and peasants can train each other, collaboratively, in cadres, using the train the trainer model, as they transition to the new glorious future in which I run the WORLD. Oops, wrong speech. The Dots can all be reassigned or discarded or whatever. I really don't care. We will, of course, follow the HR process." That's SUPPORT? Could we petition Duke Pfffr to have Her Blackness not support us?
Later the Black Queen assures the White Tornado that it would be a mistake to arouse the Librarians, Peasants, Parents, and Press to public support of libraries and Dotland. As the Black Queen says "No one supports libraries more than I do! At least not if I can stop them."

Silver's Rant, Redux

Silver was in a better mood today. As she said, "Some problems are getting solved. Some things are working." That was before she stumbled over a pigeon that had been circling around Black Dot Castle for a while. The pigeon was carrying a message about the troubleshooting procedures Peasants and librarians are supposed to follow when the {beep} program is tooooo sloooooooow. First they are supposed to try it on one workstation. Then they are supposed to try it on another workstation. If the second workstation is faster they CAN turn in a work order to the fabled Help Desk. However, if the second workstation is NOT faster, they are SOL because "that means it's a bandwidth problem and we aren't going to fix it so there's no point in turning in a work order". Let's see, they've just spent 20 minutes on one workstation waiting for a title to not open. Then they've spent another 20 minutes waiting for the same title to not open on another workstation. After an investment of 40 minutes, they are supposed to ... what exactly? Silver's thoughts on the subject have to do mostly with very large hammers. The Lime Green Knight PROMISED us two things - that we would have Outside Access to {beep} and that our bandwidth and network infrastructure were enough to successfully run {beep}. Looks like we lose on both counts. Of course, the Lime Green Knight also told us to turn in work orders on "speed issues". Why is no one every held accountable?!!!!! When Silver attempted to speak on these issues in an open forum, she was held accountable. Actually, she was held down and bludgeoned with TUSD Policies. Almost the same thing. If the Lime Green Knight is held accountable in the same way, can anyone join in? Silver's willing to bring her own paper.

Silver's Rant

I came across Silver muttering furiously to herself. "What's happening?" I asked.
"What's happening!" she growled, "What's happening! Nothing! Absolutely nothing! Peasants and Librarians are sending pigeons about the speed of {beep}! Can I answer them? NO, I CAN"T...because answering them might be embarrassing to the Duchy. Can I ask TS why {beep} is so {beeping} slow? No, that could be embarrassing to the Duchy. Can I ask TS or anyone what is being done about this? No, that could be embarrassing to the Duchy. Can I ask Follett Tech Support why {beep} is so {beeping} slow? No, I can't. That would apparently be admitting we have a problem and THAT would embarrassing to the Duchy. Can I ask the Peasants and Librarians what workarounds they've found for the problems? Nope, embarrassing again. You do know that Bored Policy EJC states "Unacceptable use of e-mail includes, but is not limited to:... Using e-mail in a manner, which may bring discredit or embarrassment to the District."? I can't even ask what is being done about the problem. Again..embarrassing to the district. When I ask those limited number of people that I can ask what is being done, I'm told "It's political." No, it's bloody well NOT political, it's technological. And it's not that our hardware is or workstations are too old. There are solutions to this problem and if the Duchy allowed us to actually talk to each other, Follett Tech Support and our peers in and out of the Duchy, we could find and implement them! Arrrgggghhhhhh!"

Serial slasher strikes again in Dotland!

Terror again stalks the halls of Dotland. The Sword of Right-Sizing has claimed another victim. Cornflower has become a DIT. Further, the White Queen promises "deeper cuts!" Is no one safe?
Meanwhile the {beep} Library Manager does not get any faster. Silver is told not to complain about it because "it's political". Really? We're to believe that there are people in the Duchy who want {beep} to go even slower? Have you looked at the new org chart? The Lime Green Knight is in charge of the {beep} "speed issues." The Lime Green Knight and Dotland report to the Black Queen. The Black Queen reports to the White Queen. The White Queen reports to the Duke. The other interested party in the {beep} "speed issue" is the department formerly known as TS. They now report to ...TBA! And wait, they aren't a real department anymore, they're a dotted line labeled "liason". It looks like TS is now SOL. So now we're to believe that the Black Queen doesn't have the political clout to get a leaderless non-department to spend some time fixing the {beep} speed issue. Wow.
While we're on the subject of the org chart, it clearly needs some sprucing up. There aren't nearly enough meaningless colors. Obviously, there's a need for some glitter, some flowers, some stars, more embellishments in general. Silver and Purple are thinking of a "Decorate the Org Chart" contest. They have to do something to pass the time while waiting for {beep} to put up the three screens of gibberish that mean "That search is not happenin'".

Silver fading....

Silver is becoming an official ghost. The Black Queen is still attempting to keep others from talking to her. Fortunately, the Dots and some other Duchy employees aren't afraid of ghosts. Of course, anyone in their right mind is afraid of the Black Queen. When asked about the ghost situation, Silver mused "I wonder if this is how the Laird of TS felt before he "resigned"? I'm sure Her Blackness would be thrilled if I could be driven to "resign"." Silver also pointed out that we are now on Step 5 of the Black Queen's Foolproof Plan for Eliminating Libraries in 5 easy steps (described in these pages on April 3, 2007) . The Black Queen is also once again insisting on only positive communications. There is a upcoming meeting with the {beep} software people to discuss the {beep} software. Silver isn't invited, but the issues she would like to see discussed are:

• Speed (Unfortunately, there's no good, punchy single word that conveys the exact opposite of speed.)
• All students still not getting imported
• No access to {beep} from outside the Duchy
• No access to Library of Congress from inside {beep}

However, all of those topics were considered and rejected as "too negative". So apparently they will discuss the lovely shade of teal in the Destiny screens. They might also be able to talk about the background color without wandering into forbidden territory.

In another disturbing development, one of the Duchy Librarians complained that Dotland received "new" computers this summer. For the first time in over two years, the Dots have hardware that can run the same Windows version as the Duchy libraries have had for the last two years. This makes it much easier to troubleshoot the problems the libraries have with wonderful windows and {beep}. The complaint is disturbing because "Divide and conquer" has long been a favorite Duchy strategy, always used with great success in the past by the Black Queen herself.

Stranger and Stranger

The saga of the {beep} Library Management Program grows stranger and stranger. We were told that imports of student data from the Very Hot Desert Student Records system would take place automatically. Purple, Silver and Sage have been poring over this question for days. The imports appear to have been not so much automatic as automagic. Homerooms appear out of thin air, without being imported! 412 student records were changed on the Sunday of a 3 day weekend! Forcing someone to work on Labor Day weekend has to be magic. Being sometimes acclaimed as wizards themselves, Purple, Silver, and Sage know most magic is just a matter of science, technology, knowledge and experience. {beep} Technical Support is no help either. They just keep saying "Just don't you worry your pretty little head about about student records. And pay no attention to the man behind the curtain." The Dots are developing a deep desire to yank back the curtain!

Dotland Underground

(To avoid possible legal problems, the name of a certain library automation program has been redacted in this post.)
Silver says the Lime Green Knight reminds of her of Lucille Ball in the chocolate-covered cherry factory, madly stuffing chocolate-covered cherries down her bra, to avoid being detected as not quite ept. He's been frantically stuffing bad news about {beep} in every possible orifice. Now he's been taken off the {beep} assembly line. According to the White Tornado, Lime Green is no longer the Lime Green Project Manager. He's back to the Lime Green Knight. Unfortunately, he left a legacy. The remaining Dots are afraid to post to the listservs (can you say that favorite freedom of the press phrase..."chilling effect"?) Silver has been pretty much forbidden although she has taken the risk of replying to a few posts on the listservs.
The real irony of all this is that {beep} really isn't that bad. There are many things {beep} does really well and only a few pitfalls. Since the Dots are so reluctant to use the listserv, Silver has asked me to pass along some information to the Peasants and Librarians out there.
The two biggest problems with {beep} are the speed (or lack thereof) and the Mojave download. Let's take download first. Currently all students are not being imported every night because {beep} decides, using a very cracked crystal ball, which students need to be imported. In addition, student records don't always match up like they should. Both of these problems require minor changes in the way {beep} is set up. The Dots hope that the {beep} gods will see fit to make those changes soon. In the meantime, how do we cope with this?
1. Delete students very carefully. You might not get them re-imported for weeks.
2. We have duplicate records and cases where the transactions did not follow the student. When a student leaves owing you books, search for him/her in Checkout or Patron Status without the check for Only my patrons. If there are duplicates and your transactions didn't follow the student, print a notice and send it to the librarian at the student's new school, just like we did in the past. This is a problem that will fix itself eventually, hopefully by the end of this year.
3. When you search for students by name in Circulation, you can avoid getting a really long list by changing the Only look in box from All to Last name.

Our second major problem is with the speed of {beep} at some sites. Many sites (Silver thinks, but wasn't allowed to complete her survey) don't find {beep} slow. However, a few sites find it so slow as to be completely non-functional. This is probably a problem with Duchy networks, not {beep} itself, which means it's going to be difficult to solve and might require the application of political pressure to encourage the Duchy to fix it. You definitely need to put in a workorder with TiS but it's probably also a good idea to let the White Tornado know about it. After all the White Tornado moves so fast she can't even see things as slow as {beep} can be at some sites.

There. Silver says she feels so much better having gotten this off her chest.

Seduced and abandoned

Poor Lime Green Knight! In the beginning he was so happy. He was always eager to talk about Destiny. He tried to be casual about it but you could tell he was looking forward to the next visit from Destiny. Until the contract was signed Destiny was such an ardent suitor, always around with flowers, candy, willing to leap tall buildings and climb high mountains for the Lime Green Knight. Then the contract was signed and Destiny installed. After that, the ardor cooled slightly. Destiny was suddenly too busy with other obligations to do any leaping of even short buildings. Phone calls weren't returned. Questions weren't answered. Lime Green was puzzled and hurt but still hopeful. Then Silver asked those embarrassing questions and the previously ardent suitor yelled, yes, yelled, at Lime Green. Ah, a scapegoat! Silver must be the reason that Destiny has cooled toward Lime Green. Without Silver's interference, Lime Green and Destiny could have ridden hand in hand into the sunset and lived happily ever after. Lime Green, having grown up male instead of female, apparently wasn't raised on "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free." Otherwise, he would have known that if you want handholding in the sunset, you better get it before the money changes hands. Will he be smarter next time?

Do you suffer from CD?

Silver was reflecting on her fall from grace. (An unbiased observer would have to point out that it wasn't a long fall.)

I should have realized." she said, "Us Dots, peasants, and Librarians are, in general, a female community. We're used to being poked, prodded pressed, and stared at in the annual Pap Smear and Mammogram ritual, not to mention marriage and childbirth. Most of us had to give up embarrassment long ago. I forgot how overwhelmingly male the Duchy is. Of course, the Duchy doesn't want its, ah, shortcomings discussed in public. I did notice that in the preliminary examinations by the Destiny Doctors from Follay, when the question of district, uh, infrastructure came up, the Duchy shuffled it's feet, looked shifty-eyed and said "No, no, we don't have any problems with our..., with having..., with that." The Destiny Doctors were pretty explicit and said "You've never experienced any episodes of Connectile Disfunction?" "No, never!" responded the Duchy, "Well, only once, and we had been poisoned with some bad electrons at the time."

Television tells us hourly or even quarter-hourly that there is no longer any need to suffer from CD. If the Duchy would only get over itself and get some help, then we could all be like one of those happy couples on TV, holding hands, gazing into a sunset... from a bathtub on a dock?!

A story, a story

Long ago, in a galaxy far, far away, an unemployed young electronic messenger named Bot was looking desparately for work. While pounding the pavements he spotted a nondescript card stuck on a nondescript door on a nondescript building. "Messenger wanted. Only one delivery per day. Uniform and bicycle supplied. Apply within. Ajax Employment" Entering, Bot found a nondescript beige man behind a nondescript desk. Hearing Bot enter, the man looked up and said "Excellent! Can you start immediately? We can fit you for your uniform now." Bot agreed and the Beige ushered Bot into a back room where minions fitted him with shiny blue bicycling shorts with a silver stripe and a shiny blue and silver jersey. "Now you can sign your contract and we can go over your duties. Every night at midnight you will go to the Mojave building. Ring the bell beside the door and a drawer will slide out of the wall. In it will be a package and your day's pay. Take the package and ride as fast as you can to Destiny Castle. When you reach Destiny Castle, ring the bell. A voice from a concealed speaker will ask you for a password. The password is Habaneer. Repeat that for me." Dutifully Bot said "Habaneer". "Excellent. After you give the password a mail slot on the door will open. Drop the package inside and leave. Do not under any circumstances ever say anything but Habaneer. Do not tell anyone else of this. Are you ready?" Bot said "I think so?" Beige replied "Excellent! We will have one trial run immediately. Take the bicycle outside and go through the whole sequence and report back here immediately." Bot left on the shiny new blue and chrome bicycle outside the door and peddled away on his errand. It all went just as the man said, until Bot arrived at Destiny Castle. When Bot said "Habaneer", there was a horrible grating noise and the entire front door shook but no slot appeared. With great trepidation, Bot hurried back to Ajax still carrying the package. The man glowered when he saw him and barked "What happened?" Bot described the events at the Castle. Still glowering Beige strode into the back room and slammed the door behind him. Try as he might Bot could hear nothing but the slight murmur of voices from behind the door. At length, Beige reappeared all smiles, "Not to worry. Slight misunderstanding. The real password is Sonora. Don't forget now! Sonora! Now try it one more time." This time the trial went without a hitch. When he reported the results to Beige, Beige replied "Excellent. Your first delivery is tonight. Don't forget. You have a signed contract. Failure to make the delivery could result in grave consequences for everyone. You may keep the bicycle." Midnight found Bot picking up the package. Again all went well until Bot reached Destiny Castle. This time when he said "Sonora" there was a high pitched whine but the slot did not open. Aghast Bot starred at the slot and then hurried back to Ajax Employment. To his great dismay, the card was gone and the door was now labelled "International Clown College". What was Bot to do? How to make the delivery? All night Bot hurried between Mojave and Destiny searching for someone to tell him what to do. Giving up at dawn, he slept a few hours and then hurried back to International Clown College. Pushing inside he searched for Beige or some sign of Beige or some word of Beige or Destiny or Mojave but found only clowns with no interest in talking to him. Finally he gave up and returned home for the day, storing the package in a safe place in his cozy cubby. Midnight came and he tried again with the same results. As the days came and went Bot was getting richer but his cubby was filling up with undelivered packages. Finally one midnight, when he arrived at the Mojave building, the door was surrounded by a crowd of men with clipboards. He caught glimpses of Beige in the thick of the crowd. Beige glanced his way and waved him to silence. In due course, the crowd dispersed and Beige waved Bot forward. "We were wrong. All along the password really was Habaneer. Don't forget! Habaneer." With that Beige handed Bot the night's package and vanished. Hopefully Bot rode to Destiny and rang the bell. The voice asked "Password?" and Bot replied "Habaneer". The slot slid smoothly open and Bot placed the package inside. Before the slot slid all of the way closed, Bot heard a distant voice from inside the castle say "Habaneer two weeks waiting for this Destiny title search to finish!"

This is a true story and a homage to the late great Peter Sellers and the legendary Goon Show.

Silver a Becket

Silver was reinstated today after signing an oath in blood that she would not be "Using e-mail in a manner, which may bring discredit or embarrassment to the Duchy. "

Silver would like to know when the Duchy will agree to stop embarrassing us with headlines like

No good way to fix $700,000 Duchy mistake!

Indigo today discovered the perfect commentary on this whole episode at

the AnnoyedLibrarian. Like the Librarian's 2.0 Manifesto we are only allowed to say nice things about Destiny 7.5. I will be assimilated. I will be assimilated. I will be assimilated.

Rites of Autumn

It's fall and the Black Queen has kicked off the annual fall Rite of Firing Silver. Last year the Rite of Firing Silver was observed the week of August 18 (See agitateddots of August 20, 2006). This year the Rite began today. The Queen opened the annual observance by dropping Silver from the Librarians listserv and the Peasants listserv. This year the official Opening Excuse is that Silver asked a question about the speed of Destiny in a public forum and the faraway wizards of Destiny supposedly took offense. (Some villages have found the speed of Destiny to be pretty much the speed of Dark, as opposed to the speed of Light. Of course, many things in the Duchy operate at the speed of Dark so Destiny is well suited.) Silver, of course, can never believe that anyone could take offense at her shy and reserved demeanor (Shut UP, Fuschia!) so Silver is baffled. Silver can't remember if last year's rite included the Black Queen claiming that the Faraway Wizards of Destiny were threatening to sue, but then Silver frequently has trouble understanding the importance of rituals that don't involve hanging out with friends and eating and drinking. Clearly the Black Queen is comforted by the regular observances of the official Duchy religion. We have already had the Annual Announcing of the Interim Library Coordinator with that role being held again this year by the White Tornado. And we have also had the ritual of Maximizing Library Vacancies by losing Paperwork. Upcoming rites should be the Annual Announcing of the Search for the Permanent Library Coordinator and the Annual Announcing of the Creation of Silver's New Robes. (Silver has given up on the new robes and has stocked up on jeans.)

Comments
Anonymous said...
Are the peasants safe from the Black Queen, or is there another public forum that Silver isn't sharing with the poor suffering peasants? At least this peasant is catching up on tons of reading whilst waiting for the common (or is that uncommon?) error message to royally announce that "do, do, do, do, do, do, Can't touch (access) this (database)" (with apologies to M.C. Hammer for those who can't hear the singing in my head).
I have dutifully been sending my pigeons to Tits, but haven't received any replies. Are they under seige and, horror of horrors, eating my pigeons for sustanance? At least Silver sends my pigeons back.
Even the children of the village question Destiny. They ask, why? Who forces this Destiny on us? We will all die of hunger and thirst waiting, waiting, waiting.

Anonymous said...
1. we are all a TEAM here and we CAN be all-together for the good of the TEAM. and asking questions is what we teach as librarians/teachers every day of our lives. questions should not be scary things.2. the whole rigamarole over the library coordinator position (the more things change, the more they stay the same), just makes me want to go home and take a shower. did the Dutchy ever really -want- the position in the first place?
Pink

The Fairy Godmothers or How to stop worrying and embrace your Destiny

The sky is falling! The sky is falling! There are SSN's in Destiny! Quick!Shut it down! Shut it doooowwwn. Call the Fairy Godmothers! Call Fuchsia the Follay Fairy! Call someone!






Ring!!
Silver "Hello?"
Purple "Hello, Silver. The Lime Green Project Manager says the sky is falling."
Silver "What time is it?"
Purple "Uh, 7:30?"
Silver "In the morning?! Are you sure it's morning? It doesn't feel like morning."
Purple "Uh, yes? He says that if you don't call him immediately, he's turning off everyone's Destiny."
Silver "Tell him he should definitely turn it off." (Always make a bad situation worse.)
Purple "Silver! Behave!"
Silver "Oh, all right! I sent you a pigeon with the procedure for dealing with this. I'll be in shortly."
Purple "We'll get right on it. Will you call the LGPM?"
Silver "Oh, all RIGHT!"
Purple "Oops! I can't seem to get to Destiny any more."
Silver "Well, I guess we can't fix it them. See you later"
Ring!!
Silver "Hello, this is Silver."
LGPM "You have to fix this right NOW!!"
Silver "The Destiny server seems to be down. We can't work on when it's down."
LGPM "We turned it off. You have to fix it NOW before we turn it back on."
Silver "We really can't do anything to Destiny with the server down."
LGPM "But you have to!"
Silver, gently, "We really can't do anything when we can't even talk to Destiny!"
LGPM "You have to fix it right NOW!"
Silver "It's a complex procedure, lots of steps. It will take time. We can't even start until Destiny is up again."
LGPM "Um, I'll see if I can get it turned on again"

Silver put down the phone and went looking for Fuchsia and her Magic Wand. Unfortunately, Fuchsia is on the road with the Bead and Glitter Show and is currently in someplace much cooler than the Duchy. Silver was able to unearth Fuchsia's Magic Wand and took it to Dotland to join the other Fairy Godmothers.
(A digression - Follay thinks that Destiny should be managed by Godfathers. The Dots were really not comfortable wearing all that black and having associates named Guido who carry violin cases with dubious contents, not to mention the horse heads. So the Dots decided they would really rather be Fairy Godmothers.)
The Dots quickly discovered that their Magic Wands were completely exhausted. They had been loaned to the LGPM to deal with the Promethean boards. As a result, the wands are completely out of Fairy Dust, and some of the Promethean boards have odd scratches from being repeatedly whacked with wands. ALL of the connections are full of glitter. The Dots have requistioned more Fairy Dust but there is no budget for Fairy Dust. Besides, Fairy Dust is on backorder at the Godmother Store. So the Dots aka Fairy Godmothers had to deal with the crisis in their usual Nike way - Just do it.

Later, the LGPM said "I knew it would all work out. That's why I didn't panic."

"Hmmmm," thought the Dots "So that's what the LGPM looks like when he's not panicking. I would never have guessed."

Green is the color of the project managers face

The Lime Green Project Manager is green with envy. He noticed that the villages were asking the Dots lots of questions about Destiny but no one was asking him questions about Destiny. He sent out a pigeon to all of the libraries saying "Look at ME! I can answer questions too. Stop asking the Dots questions and ask ME." Shortly thereafter his pigeon loft completely filled up with pigeons needing attention so all incoming pigeons were turned away unread and unanswered. The LGPM hasn't been heard of since. Perhaps his pigeon loft got too full and exploded on him, sort of a pigeon bomb? (For more about animal bombs, read Janet Evanovich's Lean Mean Thirteen, in which Lula finds an exploding squirrel.)

Destiny r us. Assimilated will be you. Danger, Will Robinson, danger!

Destiny has attacked Dotland! The Dots are all running as fast as they can and Destiny is still gaining on them. Meanwhile, the Lime Green Project Manager is obsessing about book covers. "Things are collapsing around us and he's worried about cover pictures?!" shrieked Silver. Turquiose is having therapy sessions and massages. Sage is increasing her intake of organic phytonutrients and channeling legendary catalogers of the past, like St. Minutia. The Black Queen is, of course, her useful helpful, charming self. Hearing of a library disaster at Blenman Village, she immediately dispatched help. Since Michael Brown's FEMA is no longer available, she called Dotland and demanded an immediate crew of packers or unpackers or something. The Dots attempted to contact the village for details and got no answer! Fearing the worst, Turquoise made a scouting trip and discovered Blenman surrounded by a sea of mud and construction workers. The construction crew was adamant about not wanting aid from FEMA or Dotland. Silver thought that the Queen COULD have checked the construction schedule before demanding a crew. In this highly stressful atmosphere, the following conversation was overheard in the SNEAC building.
[ring]
Hello, may I help you?
Is this Bombs and Engineering?
Yes, this is Bonds and Engineering.
Whatever. I understand that you have a new cannon.
Yes, we have a Canon printer.
Whatever. Can we borrow your cannon?
What did you have in mind?
Well, there's a parking lot on the north side of 10th street, near 1010 E. 10th. We'd like it delivered to that parking lot, pointing south toward the big glass doors. About 10:30 am. They should all be at work then.
Who would be at work? What is this? Who are you?
Never mind who I am. Just deliver the cannon and we'll take care of the rest.