The Black Queen and textbooks

From the Duchy Crier:
Textbook inventory management is site-based in the Duchy, as it is in many other duchies and central support for these local processes in the Duchy has been provided by the Black Queen.

Oh, really? The Black Queen?!! My dear, it is to laugh! I wonder if Sage knows this? Since the new part time Keeper of Textbook Inventory will be making $45,000 that must mean Sage is making $90,000, since she's a full time Keeper of Library Management. I had no idea Sage was so well paid! Not that she isn't worth it, of course. In fact, since Sage is already handling central Library Management and, in addition, Textbook Management, the job supposedly being done by the Black Queen, that should mean that Sage actually should be making $135,000 a year. She should demand a raise immediately!

Duchy in the hands of CAOS!

The Duchy has fallen into the hands of CAOS, the international organization of evil and Maxwell Smart is nowhere to be found. The new Queen Liz, obviously being held hostage by agents of CAOS, keeps sending out pigeons asking the villagers not to panic, it only seems like chaos and things will be all right. The CAOS agents are apparently heavily armed with weapons with odd names like RIF and DIT, SLA and MBU and maybe bumper cars? (Everyone is very worried about bumping.) The Duchy treasury has apparently been looted and there is no more money for the villages and teachers. The new President is trying to come to the rescue with a new weapon called a "stimulus package". However, CAOS is poised to spring into action and divert the stimulus package to "professional development" and shove the Duchy even further back in time. The village councils have had strategy meetings to decide how to defend themselves. Some decided that they needed an extra kindergarten teacher instead of a village headman. That attempt has already been foiled by CAOS. Agents from the castle told the village councils that there was still plenty of money for the councils to travel and see new and innovative educational experiments like DisneyWorld, Six Flags, and the Osama Bin Laden Preschool and Terrorist Training Camp. The village councils, ever alert, heard the operative word in that announcement...money. "You mean there's money!? We could have a kindergarten teacher after all!"

"No, no, no. It's money only for new and innovative educational experiments."

"We want a really innovative and educational kindergarten, with a teacher and everything. We'll even hire a new teacher for it. Let us have the money!"

But CAOS was adamant. The money is not for spending on fripperies like teachers and new pigeon roosts for the Duchy's increasingly elderly pigeons. (If they don't get newer, faster, healthier, pigeons soon, they be spending even more money on pigeon nursing homes, and pigeon medicare programs!) It can, however, be spent on the kind of resort visits that got the Black Queen in trouble!?

The Black Queen is back!

The Black Queen, who was briefly exiled to her living room, is back and in charge of...wait for it...Community and Parent Development. Sage thinks that means she will be going around confiscating condoms - to develop more parents. Silver thinks it's another misguided Duchy appointment. Silver's comment "Would seeing that face encourage you to go forth and procreate?"

The town crier reported today that the Duchy is still using stone tablet technology. Well, duh! After all there's way more stone in town than there are things like wifi and Smarty Boards and the School Bored does prefer to buy local, preferably really local, like a cousin or brother in law or whatever. Besides, after the Black Queen and the Lime Green Knight spent all that time lolling around the resort pool, they had no time left to make smart technology decisions. There's no money left in the budget for teachers, copier paper, new wiring, more bandwidth. Of course there is still enough money to pay for the Black Queen to confiscate condoms and to pay a librarian NOT to work because sometime in the distant and shadowy past he irritated a principal and that kind of offense can't be forgiven. Wait a minute, he can't go to work, he can do whatever he wants, and he still gets paid!! Who do I have offend to get that kind of job!

Of course, none of this should be surprising in the country that has created the ultimate weapon of mass destruction... the TOXIC MORTGAGE. Of course, we've used it on ourselves! And they wonder why we don't trust them with nuclear power!

Protection from what?

Report on the state of the Duchy defenses
1. Firewall
The firewall is completely impregnable to hackers attempting to find out if we have books in our libraries. Why hackers would want to know this is another question. The state legislature considers schools in general a socialist plot (along with streets, roads and parks). The lege would probably be very interested to know that we have (gasp!) libraries and (double gasp!) books. However, there has been no evidence that the lege is capable of hacking (or even e-mail!) The firewall also protects our children from finding out if their books are overdue. The firewall doesn't protect us from ads for viagra, toner cartridges and the Literacy Empowerment Foundation!
2. Webcensoring
Websenseless protects us from too much information, always a problem in schools. With information, we might be able to make informed decisions and look where the Duchy would be then. Actually, maybe we should look at where not enough information has gotten us so far. What would have happened if everyone had known that the Black Queen was picking out whiteboards based on the quality of the mint on her pillow? Would the Duchy still have bought the Brand X whiteboards? If everyone had known that the Duchy was paying a consultant for...well actually, we still don't know what the Duchy was paying the consultant for, but if we knew would it have made a difference? Would we be in hock up to our eyebrows if the Duchy hadn't spent all that money on broken Brand X whiteboards and consultants to tell us that Brand X whiteboards won't work with Brand Y software (Brand Y also has good quality mints.) Ironic that the Black Queen once accused the Dots of unethical practices.
Wait a minute. Why do we need defenses? The people we need to be protected from are all inside the walls! How do we get protection from the Black Queen and the Lime Green Knight? Some say the Black Queen and LGK are outside the walls now. Let's see, they don't come to work but they still get paid. They don't answer e-mail, the phone or the taxpayers. And we have NO IDEA which resort they are currently "reviewing bids" in! OMG, we'll be underwater on more than our mortgage if this keeps up!

All quiet on the Southern Front?

Scene: A foxhole somewere in the Duchy
Pvt. Turquoise "Sarge, do you think we'll get out of this alive?"
Sgt. Sage "I don't know, Turq. I just try to keep my head down and keep on keeping on."
Turq "Do you think the Black Queen and the Lime Green Knight are gone?"
Sage "No one seems to know for sure. They don't seem to be gone, they just seem to be ... not quite all there.
Dot formerly known as Silver "They've never been all there!"
Sage and Turq "Silver, where did you come from? How did you find us? Is it safe out there? Did anyone see you?"
DfkaS "It wasn't easy to track you down. You're well hidden in the Science Fortress here."
Sage and Turq "Is there any news?"
DfkaS "Queen Liz has been wringing her hands and crying "Woe is me! "Woe is me!" Woe is us is more like it! Somehow I think her salary will be the last to go! The Keeper of the Duchy Treasury is gone, though. She made $115,000. That should help the budget problem! I've got to go. Keep your heads down and be safe!"
Sage and Turquoise "Safety first!"

Hacking the giant hairball

The Duke is dead. Long live the Queen?

Out with Duke Phfffr and in with Queen Elizabeth the First. (I think she really is the First, but I would have to get out my copy of the First 100 years of the Duchy to be sure.) The new Queen of the Duchy (QED) has a Reading List. At first the reading list was a mere rumor but now it's official. Topping the QED Reading List is Orbiting the giant hairball. Castle inhabitants are scurrying to find copies. The Dot Formerly Known as Silver has been working on websites for Studioland and has discovered that many, many art websites are now blocked by WebCensor for....wait for it...."Hacking".

Coincidence? I think not!

Does this mean that WebCensor is allergic to cats? To Queens? To hairballs?

Eating Bonbons in the library, again

Anonymous said...
Presumably, fewer bonbons will appear now, as the
shelving is mostly gone. So no previewing before buying bonbons...and are free
bonbons from the confectioners going to be a thing of the past?

When asked about this the Dot formerly known as Silver replied, "Haven't you heard? There's no free bonbons."

The dot formerly known as Silver

Silver is no longer a Dot. In recognition of the change, she has changed her office and her name. Henceforth Silver will be known as

We checked on the Dot formerly known as Silver in her new digs. She was chortling. "Look at all of this technology! I've got a scanner and two color printers!! I've got a Phaser.... pointing right at the door... and it's not set on Stun. Just wait till the Black Queen comes around here!"

We asked Silver about her colored printers. "Well, one of them is a little odd. I plugged it in and turned it on and it said it was out of ink. We checked on ink and the book says it uses "colored wax sticks". Hmmm. Colored wax sticks. Is the box by any chance labelled Crayola? Sure enough there was a nice fresh box of crayons available so we loaded it up and tried printing a page. It said 'Warming up. Please wait.' So we waited. And waited. And waited. 45 minutes later the room was filled with the smell of melted crayon and it whirred and clunked several times and then said 'Media jam'. Possibly from the melted crayons? We opened everything that could be opened, expecting to see a puddle of melted crayon and a picket line of tiny imps clutching "Strike!" and "Dangerous workplace!" signs. However, no imps, no crayons, several little broken plastic bits lying about. Perhaps we should have put in a saucer of milk along with the crayons?"

After checking on the Dot formerly known as Silver, we visited a much changed Dotland. Dotland, now containing only Sage, Turquoise, 3/5ths of Purple, and 3/4ths of White Tornado (sounds like a recipe for a drink), is being severely compressed. Next they will move the desks onto the loading dock, which is luckily still in the shade. However as the weather changes, they will be migrating around the building to the front parking lot. It will be a sight to see. Don't miss it!

Eating bonbons in the library

Duke Phfffr: "Get me Agnes in HR."
"Human Resourcelessness, Agnes speaking."
"Agnes, one of the Villages has lost their librarian."
"That was careless of them. What are we supposed to do about it? This isn't Missing Persons, you know."
"Just find them another one."
"Yes, Your Highness"
"Gladys, get a notice ready for the village crier. The Duke wants us to find a Librarian."
"What should I put on the notice?"
"How should I know? Look it up, there must be a job description somewhere."
"I'll call Dotland. They always know where to find things."
"There's no one in Dotland anymore. They were all turned into DITs (Editor's Note: This is not the same at Ditzy. Ditzy is an affliction caused by too much exposure to the Castle brick dust.)"
"I'm calling anyway. Maybe there is someone left."
"Dotland. This is Sage speaking. How can I help you with cataloging?"
"This is Gladys in Human Resourcelessness. I don't want anything cataloged. Can I speak to the White Tornado?"
"She's on vacation."
"Can I speak to Purple?"
"She doesn't work here anymore, she's now TS."
"Can I speak to Turquoise?"
"She's supposed to be at three schools simultaneously today, but she's probably out delivering mail."
"OK, can I speak to Silver?"
"Silver only works for the Studios now and the Black Queen doesn't want anyone talking to her."
"I'll have to ask you then. Can you tell me where to find the job description for a Librarian?"
After Sage directed Gladys to the Job Description, Gladys turned to Agnes and said "This is pages and pages. I can't read all this. What should I put down?"
"Well, they work in libraries so they must read books. What else could they do?"
"I've always heard that they just read and eat bonbons."
"Fine, reading and eating bonbons. Works for me. Put that down and get it to the Village Crier for immediate posting."
The candidates to replace Duke Phfffr were lounging around the Candidates Lounge, drinking lattes and sharpening their swords when they heard the Village Crier crying the librarian job. One candidate leapt to her feet. "I knew it. I knew that librarians just sat around reading and eating bonbons."
And that, boys and girls, is why the Duchy is eliminating librarians as fast as they can.
In the interests of truth and justice (which is definitely not the Duchy way), we offer some relevant sections of the Librarian Job Description.
Section C, Part XVIII, Sub-section A4, Paragraph Z. Bonbons - Selection:
All bonbons for the library must be selected using the following criteria -
a) must meet all relevant State Standards in Math, Science, Social Studies, PE, and Arts Education
b) must meet all relevant National Standards in Math, Science, Social Studies, PE, and Arts Education
c) must meet all relevant International Standards in Math, Science, Social Studies, PE, and Arts Education
d) must have been favorably reviewed by a least 3 nationally recognized bonbon authorities
e) taste and non-toxicity can only be considered in the event of a tie
Section F, Part XVIV, Sub-section D3, Paragraph BB. Bonbons - Ordering
Bonbons can only be ordered from an approved bonbon vendor. The list of approved bonbon vendors can be found at http://instech.tusd.k12.az.us/vendors/error404_pagenotfound.
Section G, Part IX, Sub-section Y5, Paragraph Q. Bonbons - Requisitions
Requistions for bonbons must be in octuplicate. The Burgundy copy goes to Duke Phfffr (he's repapering his study, so the burgundy copy must be blank.) The White copy goes to the Black Queen. The Black copy goes to the White Queen. The Red copy goes to Finance. The Blue copy must be filed and kept for 300 years. The Green copy goes to Food Services. The Yellow copy goes to Transportation. The Yellow and Black copy goes to Bombs and Engineering. The copy that goes to the vendor must be prepared separately, hand written on handmade rice paper using ink made from crushed walnut shells. The vendor copy is then sealed in a bottle, addressed to the vendor, and dropped in the Santa Cruz River for eventual delivery to the Pacific Ocean where it may be picked up and delivered to the vendor. Please allow up to 40 working centuries for delivery.
Section B, Part III, Sub-section Y99, Paragraph 3. Bonbons - Receiving in libraries.
Libraries do not recieve bonbon shipments. All bonbon shipments must be delivered to Human Resourcelessness.
Section Q, Part IV, Sub-section B39, Paragraph A. Bonbons - Preparing for use
All bonbons to be eaten in the library must be properly prepared. Preparation includes classifying, cataloging, stamping, labeling, taping, and shelving.
Section Q, Part IV, Sub-section B39, Paragraph B. Bonbons - Classifying
Bonbons
Bonbons must be classified using the classification schema from the National Confectioners Cataloging Association. The 37 volume classification document can be ordered from Cabinet National Library for $1500.00. The weekly 3 volume revisions are $900 a year.
Section Q, Part IV, Sub-section B39, Paragraph C. Bonbons - Cataloging
Bonbons
There must be a separate MARC record for each bonbon, but a partially consumed bonbon can be attached to the appropriate MARC record as a copy. MARC records must include a full ingredient list and at least 3 Library of Congress subject headings.
Section Q, Part IV, Sub-section B39, Paragraph D. Bonbons - Stamping bonbons
All bonbons must be stamped with a village stamp including the name of the village, the address, the phone number and the village headman's name and date of birth. After stamping the bonbon will take up less space and be much easier to shelve.
Section Q, Part IV, Sub-section B39, Paragraph Y. Bonbons - Eating Bonbons
Since all shipments of bonbons are received by Human Resourcelessness, no one in a library has ever seen a bonbon, much less eaten one. However, Eating Bonbons is thoroughly covered by all accredited Library Schools, so the actual task of eating a bonbon should not prove daunting for the Librarian.

Logical consequences or Idiots, the Challenge

Here's a comment on the last post
Anonymous said... what the heck???"The White Tornado is no longer allowed to have unsupervised contact with librarians."


I just love the way the Duchy always reacts so appropriately. The White Tornado held a meeting. She had asked permission to have the meeting and permission was denied. She held the meeting anyway. Not everyone could attend the meeting so for those unable to attend, she sent a pigeon to everyone summarizing the meeting. The Black Castle erupted with fury...not about the unauthorized meeting, about the pigeon. OK, we all know that the Black Castle is allergic to pigeons, but given the current state of technology in the Duchy, that's what we're stuck with. Obviously we need streaming video, our own chat room and instant messaging so we would avoid all those messy feathers. Given that the problem was the pigeon, was the White Tornado barred from the pigeon loft, like Silver? No, that apparently would have been logical. Instead the White Tornado was forbidden from holding meetings without a representative of the Black Castle being present! Maybe they figure if they are actually at the meeting, they can kidnap White afterwards and prevent her from getting to the pigeon loft? Fat chance. Remember O'Henry, "The ransom of Red Chief"?

In other events, the SNEAC Peace talks have again been cancelled. I guess hostilities have broken out again, as evidenced by the lack of paper towels in No-man's Land.

Secrecy, lies and meetings

The Duchy has been raked over the coals in the press for Secrecy, not keeping the public informed, not keeping the Bored informed. The reason for this? The Duke and his minions hatched a plan for closing villages. Of course, they hatched this plan without involving the villages or, more importantly, the parents and taxpayers of those villages. The public was irate. The Bored was irate (maybe). The GOM (Grand Old Man) of the Bored voted against Duke Phfffr (Gasp!) Silver, an on again off again Bored watcher, can't remember the last time the GOM voted against Duchy administration. She thinks that it was toward the end of King Hairboy's reign. Silver, a conspiracy theorist to the bone, wonders whether the school closing was supposed to pass. Or was it just a feint to conceal the Duchy's real intentions.
In the meantime, while everyone is screaming at the Duke for "lack of transparency", what is the Duchy doing about it? Let's see. The White Tornado was chastised for summarizing a public meeting...in public! The White Tornado is no longer allowed to have unsupervised contact with librarians. Doesn't seem to be a problem. Apparently all of the available supervisors are too busy being secretive to supervise the White Tornado's meetings. Silver has also been told that while she can continue working, she is not to be seen actually producing any work. Isn't this a wonderful Duchy!
In other news, after a cooling-off period, the SNEAC Peace talks resume tomorrow. The White Tornado has refused to participate.
On the rumor side, there was a rumor that the Black Queen had considered relocating to another Duchy. Supposedly she thought better of it. Apparently the Duchy is such a wonderful place to work, with friendly people and big budgets, that she just couldn't leave it. What???

Charmed, I'm sure.

At the last School Bored meeting, there was a presentation by the Oracle (really). The Oracle said the Duchy needs to upgrade technology because employees are tired of having to do so many things manually that could be done automatically with newer software and faster networks.
One of the Bored members asked the Oracle, "You really heard this from our employees, not from outsiders?"
Oracle "Yes."
Bored member "Is there a comfort level here? I mean, one of the things one can assume about this slow-moving district is everybody likes the fact that they've got a job they understand and that they take a lot of time to do and that they can do it all manually."
That's the second time I've heard the Black Queen's words coming out of someone else's mouth at a Bored meeting. It might make more sense if the Black Queen were breathtakingly beautiful or overpoweringly charismatic. How DOES she do it? I've been watching reruns of Charmed after work. I'm reminded of a recent episode in which Bardas, the Demon of Fear, almost conquered the Charmed Ones by whispering lies in their ear which they then repeated, causing lots of mayhem. Is the Black Queen really a Demon in disguise? Is that the secret of her power in the Duchy.
It has been suggested, among other things, that the Duchy eliminate Librarians and have libraries run by full-time Peasants. I am realizing that several decisions made in the last 2 years make this more possible, one of those decisions being the purchase of Destiny. Destiny was designed to be run centrally, not site-based. Silver thought it was really idiotic to buy a centralized program in an increasingly site-based Duchy. She even sent out a Pigeon about it (in the days when she still had access to the Pigeon Loft). The Black Queen went ballistic. Could it be that even then she was setting things up to eliminate village Librarians in favor of a centralized program, a District Librarian (the White Tornado?), a small central library support staff (currently Sage and one-fourth of Silver, an alchemy recipe, surely), and a Peasant in every village. Was her overreaction to Silver's pigeon caused by fear that her scheme was suspected? Is the Black Queen really a Schemin' Demon?

Space Wars!!!

The Space Wars continue! The White Tornado was spotted surreptitiously pacing off dimensions in StudioLand. StudioLand is considering closing their borders and requiring a passport and visa for entry. Supplies labelled "Science" have turned up in odd places. Are they arming? Dotland is thinking that the labels are small and easily missed and the supplies would make nifty fortifications. They are thinking castle with moat and crenellations. Where will it all end? Will disarmament talks be needed?

Extreme Makeover TUSD

The Black Queen is once again embarking on a makeover, TUSD style. She hasn't revealed her plan for the Makeover, but as a first step Turquoise has been made over into a Peasant and ordered out into the villages. Dotland is once again in mourning.
So far the Black Queen's previous forays into the world of Reality TV haven't been overwhelmingly successful. Her most recent previous attempt was Trading Spaces. She put the White Tornado to work redecorating in the SNEAC building. In her usual whirlwind fashion, the White Tornado put Turqoise to work emptying shelves of clutter. To her great surprise and chagrin, no sooner was a shelf emptied than another department filled it up! Any freed up floor space was immediately filled in with new shelves! Duh! One of the first rules of bureaucracy and empire building is that you NEVER empty space unless you want to lose it. One of the strong points of TLC's Trading Spaces was that even when the participats HATED the results, they loved the process and would do it again. Not so with the Black Queen's Trashing Spaces. Turquoise certainly won't do it again! The overall enmity caused by the Black Queen's attempt to redo the space without actually consulting anyone in the building will probably die down eventually since the inhabitants of SNEAC are basically good, friendly people.
The Black Queen doesn't consult anyone about anything. At a recent Bored meeting she was asking the Bored's support for a project of providing e-mail for all students from 3rd grade through high school. One of the Bored members asked, "Have you asked elementary parents whether they want their children to have e-mail?" No, of course, she hadn't. We can see why she didn't bother though. The Bored voted for the project anyway!
The Black Queen's latest project appears to be of the Extreme Makeover variety. She seems to be intent on making elementary school libraries non-existent. Making libraries nonexistent would free up all of those librarians to become Dibbles teachers. (Since Dibbles is a very inefficient way of teaching reading, it takes many more teachers.) It would also keep librarians away from all of those information sources that they insist on using to verify facts before passing them on. The Black Queen's facts or "data" as she calls it doesn't stand up well to that kind of scrutiny. Her "data", unlike genuine scientific data, is very fragile and tends to fade, discolor and shrink when exposed to the hard light of day.
In the meantime, the Black Queen seems to be working on filling up those...rooms full of books (we won't use the L word) with useless technology, like Promethean boards that don't work. This is not a slam against Promethean. I'm sure they make very good technology. It's just that TUSD is in a region of space where technology doesn't work. After all the rest of the world allows teachers to look up library books from home. Not TUSD. The rest of the world uses streaming video. Not TUSD. The rest of the library world uses Z39.50 access to the Library of Congress. Not TUSD. The odd thing is that TUSD spends a great deal of money on technology. TUSD and people associated with TUSD are currently under investigation by various law enforcement agencies for irregularities with purchasing and bonds. Is it possible that it is only important for technology to be purchased so that various people in TUSD can get kickbacks or payoffs? Selling non-functional technology is definitely has a bigger profit margin for the vendor than functional technology. For the seller, it's a win-win. For those of us trying to use it, not so much!

Bright Ideas

As the first step in this semester's "Bright Ideas" campaign, the Castle sent out a bright orangey-yellow piece of paper to everyone containing the form for submitting a "Bright Idea". How many did they get back with this bright idea?

Stop sending out paper forms!

Today is the first of the two public forums for the Management Audit. Palo Verde High School, 5-6 (staff) and 6-7 (public)

We're baaaack!

Due to a series of unfortunate events, Agitated Dots has been offline for over a month. Oh, the horror! But now we're back and reporting for duty. To bring things up to date...
The Duchy reported to the School Bored that the Duchy is 9.5 million in the hole due to the teachers additional 1% raise. The Bored wanted to know how that could be when the final settlement with the teachers had been only 450,000 over the "balanced budget" figure. They wanted to know whether the Duke had lied about the balanced budget earlier or was lying about the 9.5 mil now. The Duke replied that while it had been a balanced budget, it wasn't a "healthy" balanced budget. Since that time, the 9.5 mil has morphed to 13 mil.
Duke Phfffr has apparently pulled out the Sword of Right-sizing again and proposed closing interscholastics, Camp Cooper, the Clothing Bank, Educational Materials Center, Dotland and elementary libraries. Oh, and he also gave up one part time dungeon attendant at the Castle and now they all have to take out their own little trash baskets. Imagine that, the castle inhabitants carrying trash in their own lily white little hands, rather than just constantly spewing it out over the e-mail. Oh, did I say that out loud?
At the Bored meeting, everyone immediately jumped on interscholastics, so it won't be closed. Everything else is up for grabs still. There was an outcry from parents and principals about cutting support for libraries. The Black Queen immediately got all huffy and reminded everyone that there are no plans to close elementary libraries....until next year. In the first cut from the Sword of Right-sizing, Purple has been reassigned to TS. Who will be next?

Anonymous said...
Ohh! It is so good to see you back. Of course these cuts are not till next year, but a hiring freeze seems to be on this year. It seems expected that the peasants can run the village library in a superhuman way. Perhaps half a duke could do?

I love the idea of a half-Duke. Is that a Bright Idea or what?!

Embarrassment

The Librarians and Peasants of the Duchy are all being asked to sign the board policy on e-mail and a miscellaneous sheet on listservs. The board policy states, among other things, that we won't embarrass the Duchy in e-mail. Actualy, they are being asked to sign a printout of board policy EJC. Board policy EJA says All **** employees who use technology must sign and abide by the district’s Acceptable Use Agreement(s) indicating their knowledge of and agreement to terms and conditions of use of district technology resources... A printout of a policy is not an Agreement. An Agreement is a form that says somewhere I agree to.... and has a place for a signature. One of the conditions of Policy EJC is that we must not embarrass the Duchy in e-mail. Well, it's embarrassing that the Duchy can't manage to create an Acceptable Use Agreement and has to resort to having us sign a printout of the policy. It's embarrassing that the budget cutting spreadsheet Duke Phffffr showed the Bored last Tuesday was amateurish, badly formatted, badly organized, AND the numbers were wrong, AND Duke Phfffr knew the numbers were wrong and had to keep apologizing. Then to further embarrass us, the Duchy has been spreading rumors that neighboring Duchies don't have Certified Librarians. One of the neighboring Duchies that is very proud that they have all Certified Librarians is now insulted. Their Duke is thinking of sending his seconds to call on our Duke and demand satisfaction. Our Duchy will be featured in an upcoming movie "Burr" about the famous Aaron Burr / Alexander Hamilton duel. Perhaps before then we will see Duke Phfffr in a real duel over slandering other Duchies!
Now that's embarrassing!

As the stomach turns

Dotland is developing ulcers attempting to digest the pronouncements coming out of the Castle. The Duchy's front portal is lauding the contribution made to schools by Office Professionals. Because of value of that contribution they are combining the office manager with the attendance clerk at 8 schools? There is a suspicious trend to the budget cuts. ALL of the proposed budget cuts seem to be oriented toward keeping everyone in a school isolated from each other and the outside world. No field trips, no site council budget, no travel, no subs for teacher collaboration, no elementary librarians, no central library support department whose job has been breaking down the isolation of a single school, no central library. And to crown it all, the district is attempting to set us at each others throats over the teacher raises. Divide and Conquer - long a favorite tactic of tyrants!
A rather disturbing idea came up recently. Someone speculated that some elementaries would choose to allocate their budget to continue to have a librarian. They were told that the school might not be given that choice. So is the Duchy management just attempting to completely squelch any real site-based management and make sure the Castle can continue to run everything unopposed?

Duchy Dogma

In these very troubled times, we must examine the basics of Duchy faith. For example, the Doctrine of Non-Transubstantiation asserts that Capital Funds can be spent lavishly on anything but can NEVER undergo transubstantiation to Maintenance and Operations (M&O) Funds. The Black Queen is adamant on Non-Transubstantiation. She asserts that Transubstantiation can never occur. Other school funding theologians assert that Transubstantiation can and does occur. The Higher Authority (The School Facilities Board) also says that Transubstatiation of Capital Funds to M&O funds cannot occur but...the Duchy gets to decide whether to put the money in M&O or in Capital in the first place. After that it can't undergo transubstantiation. (Doesn't this mean that Duke Phfffr can decide to use money that could go to teachers raises to buy nifty ed tech software toys and a new library system, as long as he makes that decision in advance when the budget is being made up? Is it possible that the Duchy decided last budget year to screw the libraries over, eliminate Dotland, and blame the teachers? Let's see. Did they already try to close down Dotland last year? Well, yes. Hmmmmmm.)
The Black Queen is also a strong advocate of the Doctrine of the Immaculate Instruction which governs how training is supposed to take place in the Duchy. A cadre of librarians (Wait, they are eliminating librarians.) OK, a cadre of "Classified Librarians" (otherwise known as Grade 4 Library Assistants or Peasants) will be assembled. After much prayer and contemplation, the Doctrine of Immaculate Instruction asserts that the Cadre will "receive" Divine Instruction and will then be qualified to initiate others into the Mysteries of the Infinite Time of Destiny. The Higher Authority (Destiny Tech Support) asserts that they won't answer calls for help from libraries that received their training via Immaculate Instruction. Hmmmm.
Do we need a reformer to nail an edict to the Castle door?

Comments:
Or perhaps the Duchy could go to a more eastern philosophy -- zen instruction. The peasants -er- Classified Librarians would assume the lotus position, fingers forming the traditional infinite circles, and chant, all the while attempting to become one with Destiny. Ooooommmmmmm. Ooooommmmm. Hmmmmm.
Purple

Time Traveling

There was some very interesting information revealed this afternoon. Apparently it wasn't the teacher raises that broke the budget, it was the Duke's imprudent spending on new robes for his friends. Let us know close our eyes and imagine ourselves back in the Castle where the Black Queen, the Duke and other a**heads are relaxing and eating grapes while the slaves fan them. The Black Queen paces. "I am so fed up with those Dots! They check everything I say. They keep the village libraries functioning now matter how many obstacles I put in their way. Furthermore they teach others to search for truth. Mark my words, no good will come of THAT! Every time I try to get rid of them, they prove that they save money. Will no one rid me of these inconvenient peasants?" "Hmmmm", muses the Duke, " We are intelligent people. We should be able to come up with something." A minor functionary comes into the room. "Your Majesty, it's almost time to begin the Teacher Contract Negotiations." "I'll be along shortly" responds the Duke and then looks very thoughtful. "Give me a few minutes first." He and the Black Queen put their heads together and whisper intently in the corner. As they break up, the Duke says "Remember, we've got to make this look good. Make a list of everyone you can think of who will need new robes between now and say ...August."
Fast forward a few months. A couple of weary negotiators sit in the TEA shoppe, over cups of TEA, of course. "I can't understand it. We've been very reasonable and the Duke won't even return our calls." "I know", says the other, "I don't remember the Duchy ever being this stubborn about negotiations. I just don't know what to do." Back in the Castle, the Duke receives a phone call from a Bored member. "How are the negotiations coming?" "No progress at all" responds the Duke cheerily. "But there is only a $450,000 difference between the offers. I know we can afford that. Can't we settle this?" "No, no" responds the Duke, "completely out of the question. We just need to wait a little longer. Something will break loose." Now fast forward to the day of the Blue Flu. The phone rings constantly in the Castle with complaints from irate parents. The Duke and the Black Queen bustle around busily and trade smirks when no one is watching. The Duke summons the Bored and his advisers.
"This is terrible." he says "We have to capitulate to their demands. The people have spoken. This will bankrupt the Duchy but we have no choice." "It's only $450,000" responds a Bored member, "It won't bankrupt us." "Oh, it will, it will" says the Duke, attempting to keep a straight face. "We'll just have to make really deep cuts to make up for it. I'll get the Sword of Right-Sizing sharpened immediately." "You did that months ago, Your Majesty", pipes up a staffer. "You're mistaken!" barks the Duke, "Leave immediately. In fact, you'd all better leave. I need a moment to compose myself for revealing this to the press." As the door closes behind the Bored, the Black Queen and the Duke began to dance, singing "Ding dong, Dotland is dead!"