The Alternate Universe

I've just finished reading Un Lun Dun by China Mieville, which is about an alternate universe containing all that is broken, discarded or worn out from the "real" universe. UnLondon is only one of the cities in the alternate universe. There is also Parisn't, Lost Angeles, Sans Francisco, No York, Baghdidn't, Hong Gone and so on. I know we've always assumed that the Duchy was part of the "real" universe, but look at the evidence. Clearly the Duchy is broken, the teachers worn out, the educational philosophies we keep pursuing are the those long discarded by assorted business philosophers. Remember "strategic planning"? Remember how it was proclaimed last year that we would all be doing this new "strategic planning" lark? The guru of Strategic Planning, Henry Mintzberg, published "The rise and fall of strategic planning" in 1994! I rest my case. Clearly the Duchy is located in the alternate city of Tucsoff rather than Tucson. Doesn't that explain a lot? Most of our tech is broken when it's delivered. Well, of course it is. It was broken in Tucson and leaked over to us in Tucsoff. Really explains GoG and the Black Queen, doesn't it. In Un Lun Dun, the villains are eliminated with the UnGun, loaded with an assortment of appropriate things. What would the UnGun need to be loaded with to eliminate GoG and the Black Queen? Information might be the silver bullet in both cases. The Black Queen has a real aversion to fact checking. She assured Idea that the JOB would be correctly posted Friday. A simple check of the the Duchy Web site would have revealed that the job is already posted, incorrectly again. Incidentally, there is hope in the alternate universe. Broken things that are completely repaired go back to the real universe. (Ever noticed that the things TS fixes are never completely fixed?) However, broken things can be repurposed. How can the Black Queen be repurposed?

Secret Plan Revealed

We recently had a telephone interview with Gold, long known for her brilliant tactical mind and innate logistics ability.* Gold, having time on her hands since being stupidsized by the Black Queen, has discerned the outlines of the Black Queen's plans for the Duchy libraries. To explain the Plan, we have to go into a little history. First, King Hairboy used the Sword of Rightsizing on the Library Queen and her protectoress, the Undisputed Reigning Queen of K-12 Education in the Realm of Arizona. The Diva was assigned to watch over libraries, however, the elimination of the K-12 Queen left a Power Vacuum in the Duchy Castle. The Black Queen moved into vacuum and wrested control of the libraries from the Diva and started her machinations. First it was necessary to eliminate any central library organization, so the Black Queen introduced Strategic Planning to keep Dotland busy for a while. Then she decreed that the librarians could not use the services of Dotland in an attempt to discourage and isolate the librarians. This caused a certain amount of restlessness and the Black Queen was forced to bring in the White Tornado, allow training and make lots of promises, none of which have yet been kept. The White Tornado and the promises have allowed the Black Queen to stall for most of a year. At any sign of organized opposition she brings up Strategic Planning and Job Descriptions again. That brings us to the present. What does Gold think the Black Queen's future moves will be?
The Black Queen has already committed to buying and installing expensive library software without buying any hardware and while banging away at TiTS with the StupidSizing Mace. With non-functioning library software, old hardware, no TiTS support, no Dotland support, the librarians will no longer be able to buy books, catalog books, look up books, check out books or any other library activity. At that point the Black Queen will be able to say "The libraries are no longer being used. That proves that libraries and books are old technology. We need to turn all of these useless libraries into Technology Classrooms and equip them with SmartyPants Boards. Since the libraries are useless, you can eliminate Dotland. With the SmartyPants Boards we will no longer need teachers, either, a clear savings."


*Silver reports that people keep asking her questions like "How many shelves will these 10 boxes of books require?" assuming that since Silver and Gold were inseparable, Silver also has a brilliant logistical mind. Silver's logistical mind can be summed up by telling you that Silver once broke an entire set of expensive, French, heat-tempered, stacking, glass mixing bowls because she thought she could replace the middle bowl of the stack with one hand.

Danger!

Run for your lives! The Duchy is reorganizing. There hasn't been a major reorganization in the Duchy since King Hairboy's bloodbath of several years ago, when King Hairboy wielded the Sword of RightSizing with a mighty hand. Then the Duchy Bored wielded the Sword of RightSizing on King Hairboy. Duke Phfffr hasn't used the Sword the way his predecessor did but he has allowed the Black Queen to borrow the Rack of Strategic Planning. I think she tried to use the Rack on the Diva but the Diva was too fast for her. We know she used the Rack on Dotland, however, the Dots are tough and flexible and the Black Queen was unable to break them either. The Sword is actually a weapon whereas the Rack is an instrument of torture. Does this mean that the Black Queen prefers torture to battle? Let me think. The Black Queen normally operates in secret, says one thing and does another, makes promises she has no intention of keeping. Yes, she probably does prefer torture (or maybe assassination) to outright, open battle.
Currently the whole Duchy is quaking, waiting to see where they will be in the org chart or IF they will be on the org chart. (Aside: I once worked for a company that never fired anyone, they just left your name off of the org chart. If you didn't take the hint, they removed the door from your office (this, boys and girls, was in olden times, before the invention of the Cubicle). If that still wasn't enough of a hint, they moved your desk out into the hall. The next step was probably to move your desk into the lobby, but this was a software company and programmers are easily bored. They usually got tired of the game before the desk to the lobby move. )
So, be ready! Arm yourselves! The reorg is coming!