Hacking the giant hairball

The Duke is dead. Long live the Queen?

Out with Duke Phfffr and in with Queen Elizabeth the First. (I think she really is the First, but I would have to get out my copy of the First 100 years of the Duchy to be sure.) The new Queen of the Duchy (QED) has a Reading List. At first the reading list was a mere rumor but now it's official. Topping the QED Reading List is Orbiting the giant hairball. Castle inhabitants are scurrying to find copies. The Dot Formerly Known as Silver has been working on websites for Studioland and has discovered that many, many art websites are now blocked by WebCensor for....wait for it...."Hacking".

Coincidence? I think not!

Does this mean that WebCensor is allergic to cats? To Queens? To hairballs?

Eating Bonbons in the library, again

Anonymous said...
Presumably, fewer bonbons will appear now, as the
shelving is mostly gone. So no previewing before buying bonbons...and are free
bonbons from the confectioners going to be a thing of the past?

When asked about this the Dot formerly known as Silver replied, "Haven't you heard? There's no free bonbons."

The dot formerly known as Silver

Silver is no longer a Dot. In recognition of the change, she has changed her office and her name. Henceforth Silver will be known as

We checked on the Dot formerly known as Silver in her new digs. She was chortling. "Look at all of this technology! I've got a scanner and two color printers!! I've got a Phaser.... pointing right at the door... and it's not set on Stun. Just wait till the Black Queen comes around here!"

We asked Silver about her colored printers. "Well, one of them is a little odd. I plugged it in and turned it on and it said it was out of ink. We checked on ink and the book says it uses "colored wax sticks". Hmmm. Colored wax sticks. Is the box by any chance labelled Crayola? Sure enough there was a nice fresh box of crayons available so we loaded it up and tried printing a page. It said 'Warming up. Please wait.' So we waited. And waited. And waited. 45 minutes later the room was filled with the smell of melted crayon and it whirred and clunked several times and then said 'Media jam'. Possibly from the melted crayons? We opened everything that could be opened, expecting to see a puddle of melted crayon and a picket line of tiny imps clutching "Strike!" and "Dangerous workplace!" signs. However, no imps, no crayons, several little broken plastic bits lying about. Perhaps we should have put in a saucer of milk along with the crayons?"

After checking on the Dot formerly known as Silver, we visited a much changed Dotland. Dotland, now containing only Sage, Turquoise, 3/5ths of Purple, and 3/4ths of White Tornado (sounds like a recipe for a drink), is being severely compressed. Next they will move the desks onto the loading dock, which is luckily still in the shade. However as the weather changes, they will be migrating around the building to the front parking lot. It will be a sight to see. Don't miss it!

Eating bonbons in the library

Duke Phfffr: "Get me Agnes in HR."
"Human Resourcelessness, Agnes speaking."
"Agnes, one of the Villages has lost their librarian."
"That was careless of them. What are we supposed to do about it? This isn't Missing Persons, you know."
"Just find them another one."
"Yes, Your Highness"
"Gladys, get a notice ready for the village crier. The Duke wants us to find a Librarian."
"What should I put on the notice?"
"How should I know? Look it up, there must be a job description somewhere."
"I'll call Dotland. They always know where to find things."
"There's no one in Dotland anymore. They were all turned into DITs (Editor's Note: This is not the same at Ditzy. Ditzy is an affliction caused by too much exposure to the Castle brick dust.)"
"I'm calling anyway. Maybe there is someone left."
"Dotland. This is Sage speaking. How can I help you with cataloging?"
"This is Gladys in Human Resourcelessness. I don't want anything cataloged. Can I speak to the White Tornado?"
"She's on vacation."
"Can I speak to Purple?"
"She doesn't work here anymore, she's now TS."
"Can I speak to Turquoise?"
"She's supposed to be at three schools simultaneously today, but she's probably out delivering mail."
"OK, can I speak to Silver?"
"Silver only works for the Studios now and the Black Queen doesn't want anyone talking to her."
"I'll have to ask you then. Can you tell me where to find the job description for a Librarian?"
After Sage directed Gladys to the Job Description, Gladys turned to Agnes and said "This is pages and pages. I can't read all this. What should I put down?"
"Well, they work in libraries so they must read books. What else could they do?"
"I've always heard that they just read and eat bonbons."
"Fine, reading and eating bonbons. Works for me. Put that down and get it to the Village Crier for immediate posting."
The candidates to replace Duke Phfffr were lounging around the Candidates Lounge, drinking lattes and sharpening their swords when they heard the Village Crier crying the librarian job. One candidate leapt to her feet. "I knew it. I knew that librarians just sat around reading and eating bonbons."
And that, boys and girls, is why the Duchy is eliminating librarians as fast as they can.
In the interests of truth and justice (which is definitely not the Duchy way), we offer some relevant sections of the Librarian Job Description.
Section C, Part XVIII, Sub-section A4, Paragraph Z. Bonbons - Selection:
All bonbons for the library must be selected using the following criteria -
a) must meet all relevant State Standards in Math, Science, Social Studies, PE, and Arts Education
b) must meet all relevant National Standards in Math, Science, Social Studies, PE, and Arts Education
c) must meet all relevant International Standards in Math, Science, Social Studies, PE, and Arts Education
d) must have been favorably reviewed by a least 3 nationally recognized bonbon authorities
e) taste and non-toxicity can only be considered in the event of a tie
Section F, Part XVIV, Sub-section D3, Paragraph BB. Bonbons - Ordering
Bonbons can only be ordered from an approved bonbon vendor. The list of approved bonbon vendors can be found at http://instech.tusd.k12.az.us/vendors/error404_pagenotfound.
Section G, Part IX, Sub-section Y5, Paragraph Q. Bonbons - Requisitions
Requistions for bonbons must be in octuplicate. The Burgundy copy goes to Duke Phfffr (he's repapering his study, so the burgundy copy must be blank.) The White copy goes to the Black Queen. The Black copy goes to the White Queen. The Red copy goes to Finance. The Blue copy must be filed and kept for 300 years. The Green copy goes to Food Services. The Yellow copy goes to Transportation. The Yellow and Black copy goes to Bombs and Engineering. The copy that goes to the vendor must be prepared separately, hand written on handmade rice paper using ink made from crushed walnut shells. The vendor copy is then sealed in a bottle, addressed to the vendor, and dropped in the Santa Cruz River for eventual delivery to the Pacific Ocean where it may be picked up and delivered to the vendor. Please allow up to 40 working centuries for delivery.
Section B, Part III, Sub-section Y99, Paragraph 3. Bonbons - Receiving in libraries.
Libraries do not recieve bonbon shipments. All bonbon shipments must be delivered to Human Resourcelessness.
Section Q, Part IV, Sub-section B39, Paragraph A. Bonbons - Preparing for use
All bonbons to be eaten in the library must be properly prepared. Preparation includes classifying, cataloging, stamping, labeling, taping, and shelving.
Section Q, Part IV, Sub-section B39, Paragraph B. Bonbons - Classifying
Bonbons
Bonbons must be classified using the classification schema from the National Confectioners Cataloging Association. The 37 volume classification document can be ordered from Cabinet National Library for $1500.00. The weekly 3 volume revisions are $900 a year.
Section Q, Part IV, Sub-section B39, Paragraph C. Bonbons - Cataloging
Bonbons
There must be a separate MARC record for each bonbon, but a partially consumed bonbon can be attached to the appropriate MARC record as a copy. MARC records must include a full ingredient list and at least 3 Library of Congress subject headings.
Section Q, Part IV, Sub-section B39, Paragraph D. Bonbons - Stamping bonbons
All bonbons must be stamped with a village stamp including the name of the village, the address, the phone number and the village headman's name and date of birth. After stamping the bonbon will take up less space and be much easier to shelve.
Section Q, Part IV, Sub-section B39, Paragraph Y. Bonbons - Eating Bonbons
Since all shipments of bonbons are received by Human Resourcelessness, no one in a library has ever seen a bonbon, much less eaten one. However, Eating Bonbons is thoroughly covered by all accredited Library Schools, so the actual task of eating a bonbon should not prove daunting for the Librarian.

Logical consequences or Idiots, the Challenge

Here's a comment on the last post
Anonymous said... what the heck???"The White Tornado is no longer allowed to have unsupervised contact with librarians."


I just love the way the Duchy always reacts so appropriately. The White Tornado held a meeting. She had asked permission to have the meeting and permission was denied. She held the meeting anyway. Not everyone could attend the meeting so for those unable to attend, she sent a pigeon to everyone summarizing the meeting. The Black Castle erupted with fury...not about the unauthorized meeting, about the pigeon. OK, we all know that the Black Castle is allergic to pigeons, but given the current state of technology in the Duchy, that's what we're stuck with. Obviously we need streaming video, our own chat room and instant messaging so we would avoid all those messy feathers. Given that the problem was the pigeon, was the White Tornado barred from the pigeon loft, like Silver? No, that apparently would have been logical. Instead the White Tornado was forbidden from holding meetings without a representative of the Black Castle being present! Maybe they figure if they are actually at the meeting, they can kidnap White afterwards and prevent her from getting to the pigeon loft? Fat chance. Remember O'Henry, "The ransom of Red Chief"?

In other events, the SNEAC Peace talks have again been cancelled. I guess hostilities have broken out again, as evidenced by the lack of paper towels in No-man's Land.

Secrecy, lies and meetings

The Duchy has been raked over the coals in the press for Secrecy, not keeping the public informed, not keeping the Bored informed. The reason for this? The Duke and his minions hatched a plan for closing villages. Of course, they hatched this plan without involving the villages or, more importantly, the parents and taxpayers of those villages. The public was irate. The Bored was irate (maybe). The GOM (Grand Old Man) of the Bored voted against Duke Phfffr (Gasp!) Silver, an on again off again Bored watcher, can't remember the last time the GOM voted against Duchy administration. She thinks that it was toward the end of King Hairboy's reign. Silver, a conspiracy theorist to the bone, wonders whether the school closing was supposed to pass. Or was it just a feint to conceal the Duchy's real intentions.
In the meantime, while everyone is screaming at the Duke for "lack of transparency", what is the Duchy doing about it? Let's see. The White Tornado was chastised for summarizing a public meeting...in public! The White Tornado is no longer allowed to have unsupervised contact with librarians. Doesn't seem to be a problem. Apparently all of the available supervisors are too busy being secretive to supervise the White Tornado's meetings. Silver has also been told that while she can continue working, she is not to be seen actually producing any work. Isn't this a wonderful Duchy!
In other news, after a cooling-off period, the SNEAC Peace talks resume tomorrow. The White Tornado has refused to participate.
On the rumor side, there was a rumor that the Black Queen had considered relocating to another Duchy. Supposedly she thought better of it. Apparently the Duchy is such a wonderful place to work, with friendly people and big budgets, that she just couldn't leave it. What???

Charmed, I'm sure.

At the last School Bored meeting, there was a presentation by the Oracle (really). The Oracle said the Duchy needs to upgrade technology because employees are tired of having to do so many things manually that could be done automatically with newer software and faster networks.
One of the Bored members asked the Oracle, "You really heard this from our employees, not from outsiders?"
Oracle "Yes."
Bored member "Is there a comfort level here? I mean, one of the things one can assume about this slow-moving district is everybody likes the fact that they've got a job they understand and that they take a lot of time to do and that they can do it all manually."
That's the second time I've heard the Black Queen's words coming out of someone else's mouth at a Bored meeting. It might make more sense if the Black Queen were breathtakingly beautiful or overpoweringly charismatic. How DOES she do it? I've been watching reruns of Charmed after work. I'm reminded of a recent episode in which Bardas, the Demon of Fear, almost conquered the Charmed Ones by whispering lies in their ear which they then repeated, causing lots of mayhem. Is the Black Queen really a Demon in disguise? Is that the secret of her power in the Duchy.
It has been suggested, among other things, that the Duchy eliminate Librarians and have libraries run by full-time Peasants. I am realizing that several decisions made in the last 2 years make this more possible, one of those decisions being the purchase of Destiny. Destiny was designed to be run centrally, not site-based. Silver thought it was really idiotic to buy a centralized program in an increasingly site-based Duchy. She even sent out a Pigeon about it (in the days when she still had access to the Pigeon Loft). The Black Queen went ballistic. Could it be that even then she was setting things up to eliminate village Librarians in favor of a centralized program, a District Librarian (the White Tornado?), a small central library support staff (currently Sage and one-fourth of Silver, an alchemy recipe, surely), and a Peasant in every village. Was her overreaction to Silver's pigeon caused by fear that her scheme was suspected? Is the Black Queen really a Schemin' Demon?

Space Wars!!!

The Space Wars continue! The White Tornado was spotted surreptitiously pacing off dimensions in StudioLand. StudioLand is considering closing their borders and requiring a passport and visa for entry. Supplies labelled "Science" have turned up in odd places. Are they arming? Dotland is thinking that the labels are small and easily missed and the supplies would make nifty fortifications. They are thinking castle with moat and crenellations. Where will it all end? Will disarmament talks be needed?

Extreme Makeover TUSD

The Black Queen is once again embarking on a makeover, TUSD style. She hasn't revealed her plan for the Makeover, but as a first step Turquoise has been made over into a Peasant and ordered out into the villages. Dotland is once again in mourning.
So far the Black Queen's previous forays into the world of Reality TV haven't been overwhelmingly successful. Her most recent previous attempt was Trading Spaces. She put the White Tornado to work redecorating in the SNEAC building. In her usual whirlwind fashion, the White Tornado put Turqoise to work emptying shelves of clutter. To her great surprise and chagrin, no sooner was a shelf emptied than another department filled it up! Any freed up floor space was immediately filled in with new shelves! Duh! One of the first rules of bureaucracy and empire building is that you NEVER empty space unless you want to lose it. One of the strong points of TLC's Trading Spaces was that even when the participats HATED the results, they loved the process and would do it again. Not so with the Black Queen's Trashing Spaces. Turquoise certainly won't do it again! The overall enmity caused by the Black Queen's attempt to redo the space without actually consulting anyone in the building will probably die down eventually since the inhabitants of SNEAC are basically good, friendly people.
The Black Queen doesn't consult anyone about anything. At a recent Bored meeting she was asking the Bored's support for a project of providing e-mail for all students from 3rd grade through high school. One of the Bored members asked, "Have you asked elementary parents whether they want their children to have e-mail?" No, of course, she hadn't. We can see why she didn't bother though. The Bored voted for the project anyway!
The Black Queen's latest project appears to be of the Extreme Makeover variety. She seems to be intent on making elementary school libraries non-existent. Making libraries nonexistent would free up all of those librarians to become Dibbles teachers. (Since Dibbles is a very inefficient way of teaching reading, it takes many more teachers.) It would also keep librarians away from all of those information sources that they insist on using to verify facts before passing them on. The Black Queen's facts or "data" as she calls it doesn't stand up well to that kind of scrutiny. Her "data", unlike genuine scientific data, is very fragile and tends to fade, discolor and shrink when exposed to the hard light of day.
In the meantime, the Black Queen seems to be working on filling up those...rooms full of books (we won't use the L word) with useless technology, like Promethean boards that don't work. This is not a slam against Promethean. I'm sure they make very good technology. It's just that TUSD is in a region of space where technology doesn't work. After all the rest of the world allows teachers to look up library books from home. Not TUSD. The rest of the world uses streaming video. Not TUSD. The rest of the library world uses Z39.50 access to the Library of Congress. Not TUSD. The odd thing is that TUSD spends a great deal of money on technology. TUSD and people associated with TUSD are currently under investigation by various law enforcement agencies for irregularities with purchasing and bonds. Is it possible that it is only important for technology to be purchased so that various people in TUSD can get kickbacks or payoffs? Selling non-functional technology is definitely has a bigger profit margin for the vendor than functional technology. For the seller, it's a win-win. For those of us trying to use it, not so much!