Seduced and abandoned

Poor Lime Green Knight! In the beginning he was so happy. He was always eager to talk about Destiny. He tried to be casual about it but you could tell he was looking forward to the next visit from Destiny. Until the contract was signed Destiny was such an ardent suitor, always around with flowers, candy, willing to leap tall buildings and climb high mountains for the Lime Green Knight. Then the contract was signed and Destiny installed. After that, the ardor cooled slightly. Destiny was suddenly too busy with other obligations to do any leaping of even short buildings. Phone calls weren't returned. Questions weren't answered. Lime Green was puzzled and hurt but still hopeful. Then Silver asked those embarrassing questions and the previously ardent suitor yelled, yes, yelled, at Lime Green. Ah, a scapegoat! Silver must be the reason that Destiny has cooled toward Lime Green. Without Silver's interference, Lime Green and Destiny could have ridden hand in hand into the sunset and lived happily ever after. Lime Green, having grown up male instead of female, apparently wasn't raised on "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free." Otherwise, he would have known that if you want handholding in the sunset, you better get it before the money changes hands. Will he be smarter next time?

Do you suffer from CD?

Silver was reflecting on her fall from grace. (An unbiased observer would have to point out that it wasn't a long fall.)

I should have realized." she said, "Us Dots, peasants, and Librarians are, in general, a female community. We're used to being poked, prodded pressed, and stared at in the annual Pap Smear and Mammogram ritual, not to mention marriage and childbirth. Most of us had to give up embarrassment long ago. I forgot how overwhelmingly male the Duchy is. Of course, the Duchy doesn't want its, ah, shortcomings discussed in public. I did notice that in the preliminary examinations by the Destiny Doctors from Follay, when the question of district, uh, infrastructure came up, the Duchy shuffled it's feet, looked shifty-eyed and said "No, no, we don't have any problems with our..., with having..., with that." The Destiny Doctors were pretty explicit and said "You've never experienced any episodes of Connectile Disfunction?" "No, never!" responded the Duchy, "Well, only once, and we had been poisoned with some bad electrons at the time."

Television tells us hourly or even quarter-hourly that there is no longer any need to suffer from CD. If the Duchy would only get over itself and get some help, then we could all be like one of those happy couples on TV, holding hands, gazing into a sunset... from a bathtub on a dock?!

A story, a story

Long ago, in a galaxy far, far away, an unemployed young electronic messenger named Bot was looking desparately for work. While pounding the pavements he spotted a nondescript card stuck on a nondescript door on a nondescript building. "Messenger wanted. Only one delivery per day. Uniform and bicycle supplied. Apply within. Ajax Employment" Entering, Bot found a nondescript beige man behind a nondescript desk. Hearing Bot enter, the man looked up and said "Excellent! Can you start immediately? We can fit you for your uniform now." Bot agreed and the Beige ushered Bot into a back room where minions fitted him with shiny blue bicycling shorts with a silver stripe and a shiny blue and silver jersey. "Now you can sign your contract and we can go over your duties. Every night at midnight you will go to the Mojave building. Ring the bell beside the door and a drawer will slide out of the wall. In it will be a package and your day's pay. Take the package and ride as fast as you can to Destiny Castle. When you reach Destiny Castle, ring the bell. A voice from a concealed speaker will ask you for a password. The password is Habaneer. Repeat that for me." Dutifully Bot said "Habaneer". "Excellent. After you give the password a mail slot on the door will open. Drop the package inside and leave. Do not under any circumstances ever say anything but Habaneer. Do not tell anyone else of this. Are you ready?" Bot said "I think so?" Beige replied "Excellent! We will have one trial run immediately. Take the bicycle outside and go through the whole sequence and report back here immediately." Bot left on the shiny new blue and chrome bicycle outside the door and peddled away on his errand. It all went just as the man said, until Bot arrived at Destiny Castle. When Bot said "Habaneer", there was a horrible grating noise and the entire front door shook but no slot appeared. With great trepidation, Bot hurried back to Ajax still carrying the package. The man glowered when he saw him and barked "What happened?" Bot described the events at the Castle. Still glowering Beige strode into the back room and slammed the door behind him. Try as he might Bot could hear nothing but the slight murmur of voices from behind the door. At length, Beige reappeared all smiles, "Not to worry. Slight misunderstanding. The real password is Sonora. Don't forget now! Sonora! Now try it one more time." This time the trial went without a hitch. When he reported the results to Beige, Beige replied "Excellent. Your first delivery is tonight. Don't forget. You have a signed contract. Failure to make the delivery could result in grave consequences for everyone. You may keep the bicycle." Midnight found Bot picking up the package. Again all went well until Bot reached Destiny Castle. This time when he said "Sonora" there was a high pitched whine but the slot did not open. Aghast Bot starred at the slot and then hurried back to Ajax Employment. To his great dismay, the card was gone and the door was now labelled "International Clown College". What was Bot to do? How to make the delivery? All night Bot hurried between Mojave and Destiny searching for someone to tell him what to do. Giving up at dawn, he slept a few hours and then hurried back to International Clown College. Pushing inside he searched for Beige or some sign of Beige or some word of Beige or Destiny or Mojave but found only clowns with no interest in talking to him. Finally he gave up and returned home for the day, storing the package in a safe place in his cozy cubby. Midnight came and he tried again with the same results. As the days came and went Bot was getting richer but his cubby was filling up with undelivered packages. Finally one midnight, when he arrived at the Mojave building, the door was surrounded by a crowd of men with clipboards. He caught glimpses of Beige in the thick of the crowd. Beige glanced his way and waved him to silence. In due course, the crowd dispersed and Beige waved Bot forward. "We were wrong. All along the password really was Habaneer. Don't forget! Habaneer." With that Beige handed Bot the night's package and vanished. Hopefully Bot rode to Destiny and rang the bell. The voice asked "Password?" and Bot replied "Habaneer". The slot slid smoothly open and Bot placed the package inside. Before the slot slid all of the way closed, Bot heard a distant voice from inside the castle say "Habaneer two weeks waiting for this Destiny title search to finish!"

This is a true story and a homage to the late great Peter Sellers and the legendary Goon Show.

Silver a Becket

Silver was reinstated today after signing an oath in blood that she would not be "Using e-mail in a manner, which may bring discredit or embarrassment to the Duchy. "

Silver would like to know when the Duchy will agree to stop embarrassing us with headlines like

No good way to fix $700,000 Duchy mistake!

Indigo today discovered the perfect commentary on this whole episode at

the AnnoyedLibrarian. Like the Librarian's 2.0 Manifesto we are only allowed to say nice things about Destiny 7.5. I will be assimilated. I will be assimilated. I will be assimilated.

Rites of Autumn

It's fall and the Black Queen has kicked off the annual fall Rite of Firing Silver. Last year the Rite of Firing Silver was observed the week of August 18 (See agitateddots of August 20, 2006). This year the Rite began today. The Queen opened the annual observance by dropping Silver from the Librarians listserv and the Peasants listserv. This year the official Opening Excuse is that Silver asked a question about the speed of Destiny in a public forum and the faraway wizards of Destiny supposedly took offense. (Some villages have found the speed of Destiny to be pretty much the speed of Dark, as opposed to the speed of Light. Of course, many things in the Duchy operate at the speed of Dark so Destiny is well suited.) Silver, of course, can never believe that anyone could take offense at her shy and reserved demeanor (Shut UP, Fuschia!) so Silver is baffled. Silver can't remember if last year's rite included the Black Queen claiming that the Faraway Wizards of Destiny were threatening to sue, but then Silver frequently has trouble understanding the importance of rituals that don't involve hanging out with friends and eating and drinking. Clearly the Black Queen is comforted by the regular observances of the official Duchy religion. We have already had the Annual Announcing of the Interim Library Coordinator with that role being held again this year by the White Tornado. And we have also had the ritual of Maximizing Library Vacancies by losing Paperwork. Upcoming rites should be the Annual Announcing of the Search for the Permanent Library Coordinator and the Annual Announcing of the Creation of Silver's New Robes. (Silver has given up on the new robes and has stocked up on jeans.)

Comments
Anonymous said...
Are the peasants safe from the Black Queen, or is there another public forum that Silver isn't sharing with the poor suffering peasants? At least this peasant is catching up on tons of reading whilst waiting for the common (or is that uncommon?) error message to royally announce that "do, do, do, do, do, do, Can't touch (access) this (database)" (with apologies to M.C. Hammer for those who can't hear the singing in my head).
I have dutifully been sending my pigeons to Tits, but haven't received any replies. Are they under seige and, horror of horrors, eating my pigeons for sustanance? At least Silver sends my pigeons back.
Even the children of the village question Destiny. They ask, why? Who forces this Destiny on us? We will all die of hunger and thirst waiting, waiting, waiting.

Anonymous said...
1. we are all a TEAM here and we CAN be all-together for the good of the TEAM. and asking questions is what we teach as librarians/teachers every day of our lives. questions should not be scary things.2. the whole rigamarole over the library coordinator position (the more things change, the more they stay the same), just makes me want to go home and take a shower. did the Dutchy ever really -want- the position in the first place?
Pink

The Fairy Godmothers or How to stop worrying and embrace your Destiny

The sky is falling! The sky is falling! There are SSN's in Destiny! Quick!Shut it down! Shut it doooowwwn. Call the Fairy Godmothers! Call Fuchsia the Follay Fairy! Call someone!






Ring!!
Silver "Hello?"
Purple "Hello, Silver. The Lime Green Project Manager says the sky is falling."
Silver "What time is it?"
Purple "Uh, 7:30?"
Silver "In the morning?! Are you sure it's morning? It doesn't feel like morning."
Purple "Uh, yes? He says that if you don't call him immediately, he's turning off everyone's Destiny."
Silver "Tell him he should definitely turn it off." (Always make a bad situation worse.)
Purple "Silver! Behave!"
Silver "Oh, all right! I sent you a pigeon with the procedure for dealing with this. I'll be in shortly."
Purple "We'll get right on it. Will you call the LGPM?"
Silver "Oh, all RIGHT!"
Purple "Oops! I can't seem to get to Destiny any more."
Silver "Well, I guess we can't fix it them. See you later"
Ring!!
Silver "Hello, this is Silver."
LGPM "You have to fix this right NOW!!"
Silver "The Destiny server seems to be down. We can't work on when it's down."
LGPM "We turned it off. You have to fix it NOW before we turn it back on."
Silver "We really can't do anything to Destiny with the server down."
LGPM "But you have to!"
Silver, gently, "We really can't do anything when we can't even talk to Destiny!"
LGPM "You have to fix it right NOW!"
Silver "It's a complex procedure, lots of steps. It will take time. We can't even start until Destiny is up again."
LGPM "Um, I'll see if I can get it turned on again"

Silver put down the phone and went looking for Fuchsia and her Magic Wand. Unfortunately, Fuchsia is on the road with the Bead and Glitter Show and is currently in someplace much cooler than the Duchy. Silver was able to unearth Fuchsia's Magic Wand and took it to Dotland to join the other Fairy Godmothers.
(A digression - Follay thinks that Destiny should be managed by Godfathers. The Dots were really not comfortable wearing all that black and having associates named Guido who carry violin cases with dubious contents, not to mention the horse heads. So the Dots decided they would really rather be Fairy Godmothers.)
The Dots quickly discovered that their Magic Wands were completely exhausted. They had been loaned to the LGPM to deal with the Promethean boards. As a result, the wands are completely out of Fairy Dust, and some of the Promethean boards have odd scratches from being repeatedly whacked with wands. ALL of the connections are full of glitter. The Dots have requistioned more Fairy Dust but there is no budget for Fairy Dust. Besides, Fairy Dust is on backorder at the Godmother Store. So the Dots aka Fairy Godmothers had to deal with the crisis in their usual Nike way - Just do it.

Later, the LGPM said "I knew it would all work out. That's why I didn't panic."

"Hmmmm," thought the Dots "So that's what the LGPM looks like when he's not panicking. I would never have guessed."

Green is the color of the project managers face

The Lime Green Project Manager is green with envy. He noticed that the villages were asking the Dots lots of questions about Destiny but no one was asking him questions about Destiny. He sent out a pigeon to all of the libraries saying "Look at ME! I can answer questions too. Stop asking the Dots questions and ask ME." Shortly thereafter his pigeon loft completely filled up with pigeons needing attention so all incoming pigeons were turned away unread and unanswered. The LGPM hasn't been heard of since. Perhaps his pigeon loft got too full and exploded on him, sort of a pigeon bomb? (For more about animal bombs, read Janet Evanovich's Lean Mean Thirteen, in which Lula finds an exploding squirrel.)

Destiny r us. Assimilated will be you. Danger, Will Robinson, danger!

Destiny has attacked Dotland! The Dots are all running as fast as they can and Destiny is still gaining on them. Meanwhile, the Lime Green Project Manager is obsessing about book covers. "Things are collapsing around us and he's worried about cover pictures?!" shrieked Silver. Turquiose is having therapy sessions and massages. Sage is increasing her intake of organic phytonutrients and channeling legendary catalogers of the past, like St. Minutia. The Black Queen is, of course, her useful helpful, charming self. Hearing of a library disaster at Blenman Village, she immediately dispatched help. Since Michael Brown's FEMA is no longer available, she called Dotland and demanded an immediate crew of packers or unpackers or something. The Dots attempted to contact the village for details and got no answer! Fearing the worst, Turquoise made a scouting trip and discovered Blenman surrounded by a sea of mud and construction workers. The construction crew was adamant about not wanting aid from FEMA or Dotland. Silver thought that the Queen COULD have checked the construction schedule before demanding a crew. In this highly stressful atmosphere, the following conversation was overheard in the SNEAC building.
[ring]
Hello, may I help you?
Is this Bombs and Engineering?
Yes, this is Bonds and Engineering.
Whatever. I understand that you have a new cannon.
Yes, we have a Canon printer.
Whatever. Can we borrow your cannon?
What did you have in mind?
Well, there's a parking lot on the north side of 10th street, near 1010 E. 10th. We'd like it delivered to that parking lot, pointing south toward the big glass doors. About 10:30 am. They should all be at work then.
Who would be at work? What is this? Who are you?
Never mind who I am. Just deliver the cannon and we'll take care of the rest.