Eating bonbons in the library

Duke Phfffr: "Get me Agnes in HR."
"Human Resourcelessness, Agnes speaking."
"Agnes, one of the Villages has lost their librarian."
"That was careless of them. What are we supposed to do about it? This isn't Missing Persons, you know."
"Just find them another one."
"Yes, Your Highness"
"Gladys, get a notice ready for the village crier. The Duke wants us to find a Librarian."
"What should I put on the notice?"
"How should I know? Look it up, there must be a job description somewhere."
"I'll call Dotland. They always know where to find things."
"There's no one in Dotland anymore. They were all turned into DITs (Editor's Note: This is not the same at Ditzy. Ditzy is an affliction caused by too much exposure to the Castle brick dust.)"
"I'm calling anyway. Maybe there is someone left."
"Dotland. This is Sage speaking. How can I help you with cataloging?"
"This is Gladys in Human Resourcelessness. I don't want anything cataloged. Can I speak to the White Tornado?"
"She's on vacation."
"Can I speak to Purple?"
"She doesn't work here anymore, she's now TS."
"Can I speak to Turquoise?"
"She's supposed to be at three schools simultaneously today, but she's probably out delivering mail."
"OK, can I speak to Silver?"
"Silver only works for the Studios now and the Black Queen doesn't want anyone talking to her."
"I'll have to ask you then. Can you tell me where to find the job description for a Librarian?"
After Sage directed Gladys to the Job Description, Gladys turned to Agnes and said "This is pages and pages. I can't read all this. What should I put down?"
"Well, they work in libraries so they must read books. What else could they do?"
"I've always heard that they just read and eat bonbons."
"Fine, reading and eating bonbons. Works for me. Put that down and get it to the Village Crier for immediate posting."
The candidates to replace Duke Phfffr were lounging around the Candidates Lounge, drinking lattes and sharpening their swords when they heard the Village Crier crying the librarian job. One candidate leapt to her feet. "I knew it. I knew that librarians just sat around reading and eating bonbons."
And that, boys and girls, is why the Duchy is eliminating librarians as fast as they can.
In the interests of truth and justice (which is definitely not the Duchy way), we offer some relevant sections of the Librarian Job Description.
Section C, Part XVIII, Sub-section A4, Paragraph Z. Bonbons - Selection:
All bonbons for the library must be selected using the following criteria -
a) must meet all relevant State Standards in Math, Science, Social Studies, PE, and Arts Education
b) must meet all relevant National Standards in Math, Science, Social Studies, PE, and Arts Education
c) must meet all relevant International Standards in Math, Science, Social Studies, PE, and Arts Education
d) must have been favorably reviewed by a least 3 nationally recognized bonbon authorities
e) taste and non-toxicity can only be considered in the event of a tie
Section F, Part XVIV, Sub-section D3, Paragraph BB. Bonbons - Ordering
Bonbons can only be ordered from an approved bonbon vendor. The list of approved bonbon vendors can be found at http://instech.tusd.k12.az.us/vendors/error404_pagenotfound.
Section G, Part IX, Sub-section Y5, Paragraph Q. Bonbons - Requisitions
Requistions for bonbons must be in octuplicate. The Burgundy copy goes to Duke Phfffr (he's repapering his study, so the burgundy copy must be blank.) The White copy goes to the Black Queen. The Black copy goes to the White Queen. The Red copy goes to Finance. The Blue copy must be filed and kept for 300 years. The Green copy goes to Food Services. The Yellow copy goes to Transportation. The Yellow and Black copy goes to Bombs and Engineering. The copy that goes to the vendor must be prepared separately, hand written on handmade rice paper using ink made from crushed walnut shells. The vendor copy is then sealed in a bottle, addressed to the vendor, and dropped in the Santa Cruz River for eventual delivery to the Pacific Ocean where it may be picked up and delivered to the vendor. Please allow up to 40 working centuries for delivery.
Section B, Part III, Sub-section Y99, Paragraph 3. Bonbons - Receiving in libraries.
Libraries do not recieve bonbon shipments. All bonbon shipments must be delivered to Human Resourcelessness.
Section Q, Part IV, Sub-section B39, Paragraph A. Bonbons - Preparing for use
All bonbons to be eaten in the library must be properly prepared. Preparation includes classifying, cataloging, stamping, labeling, taping, and shelving.
Section Q, Part IV, Sub-section B39, Paragraph B. Bonbons - Classifying
Bonbons
Bonbons must be classified using the classification schema from the National Confectioners Cataloging Association. The 37 volume classification document can be ordered from Cabinet National Library for $1500.00. The weekly 3 volume revisions are $900 a year.
Section Q, Part IV, Sub-section B39, Paragraph C. Bonbons - Cataloging
Bonbons
There must be a separate MARC record for each bonbon, but a partially consumed bonbon can be attached to the appropriate MARC record as a copy. MARC records must include a full ingredient list and at least 3 Library of Congress subject headings.
Section Q, Part IV, Sub-section B39, Paragraph D. Bonbons - Stamping bonbons
All bonbons must be stamped with a village stamp including the name of the village, the address, the phone number and the village headman's name and date of birth. After stamping the bonbon will take up less space and be much easier to shelve.
Section Q, Part IV, Sub-section B39, Paragraph Y. Bonbons - Eating Bonbons
Since all shipments of bonbons are received by Human Resourcelessness, no one in a library has ever seen a bonbon, much less eaten one. However, Eating Bonbons is thoroughly covered by all accredited Library Schools, so the actual task of eating a bonbon should not prove daunting for the Librarian.